In Rare Kumbaya Moment, Ousted Oklahoma Frat Boy and Girl’s Writer Lena Dunham Agree: Jews are “the Worst”

Dunham Bigot(Oklahoma/New York City) Ousted Oklahoma fraternity brother Levi Pettit claimed he was “deeply sorry” for leading a racist chant that got him booted out of school on Thursday morning before turning to another issue – the latest issue, in fact, of The New Yorker magazine.

Flanked by hordes of black people whom he asked to stand behind him, the allegedly contrite Pettit finished his abject and lengthy remarks and then surprised the audience by changing the subject.  “By the way,” the  well-groomed young man added, ““if you haven’t read the most recent piece of humor by Girl’s scribe Lena Dunham, you’re really missing out.  She’s dead on in comparing her cheap, grasping, nasty Jew boyfriend to her filthy dog.  Good job, Lena.  I don’t like a lot of your stuff but that shit is funny.”

Dunham for her part was so grateful for the praise that she was moved to speak to reporters about the subject on a conference call from her New York home just minutes after Petit’s public apology and surprising approbation of her recent work.  It should be noted that several sources close to Dunham were quick to indicate that the young writer is always grateful for any praise from anyone and is always moved to talk to reporters.

“Look,” Dunham told the journalists, “we’re all disgusted by what that frat boy said in his chant, but that doesn’t mean I am not grateful for his appreciation of my article asking readers to guess if various loathsome traits belong to ‘my dog or my Jewish boyfriend.’”

“I think we’ve crossed a big divide here over a  really fun quiz I wrote.  I feel very privileged to have made the connection.”

Sources close to Ms. Dunham do, in fact, confirm that she is extremely privileged.

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For the fans of “How Did This Get Made?”

Presenting the high-res version of the poster currently available to The Citizen.  A new version will be created (with newer material — from Gooby to more Sly and a bunch of sharks) if the HDTGM folks request.  The Citizen will just have to unearth an old, troubled computer and grab the hard drive :)

HDTGM-PosterNov18

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DESPITE SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS, MOST AMERICANS REFUSE TO BELIEVE TED CRUZ HAS LAUNCHED A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

chi-cruz-president-wre0027656730-20150323(LYNCHBURG, Va)  Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced on Monday morning that he would run for president in 2016, however, most Americans remain steadfastly certain that the Senator is not running.  “Listen,” stated John Cochran, a resident of Lynchburg who attended Cruz’s rally, “there’s a lot of information out there; some of it sounds pretty convincing, but I just can’t believe in something that big and troubling without more proof.”

Cruz himself seemed quite frustrated at the disbelief he encountered at, during and after his rally.  “This isn’t a joke.  I’m running, goddamit,” Cruz stammered.  “I have all the documentation a reasonable person would need to see in order to confirm it. I have a bevy of social scientists and experts out there who can tell you that people who have filed all this paper work really do run for office.  What the hell is wrong with you people?  Can’t you see the writing on the wall?”

In spite of his impassioned plea, many remained skeptical.  “Them fancy folks with their degrees can tell me anything they like,” Rufus Tucker, a Virginia voter, told a Citizen correspondent, “but Ted Cruz running for President?  That just doesn’t make any sense at all.”

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**DEVELOPING ** ** Apple watch’s new processor rumored to allow consumers to double the rate at which they can trade privacy for convenience **

Apple Watch Citizen
More as this story develops

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Citizen Week in Review: Benjamin Netanyahu Emerges to Warn of Imminent Threat of Nuclear Iran, Signaling 6 More Weeks of Winter

BiBi Winter Groundhogs day

Crowd Cheers at Yearly Ritual

(Punxsutawney, PA)  As Gobler’s Knob officials and a huge crowd of onlookers watched a small television with rapt attention and good humor Tuesday morning, Benjamin Netanyahu saw the imminent threat of a nuclear Iran, portending six more weeks of winter.  The Israeli Prime Minister’s prediction came around 10:30 am Punxsutawney time.

While local crowds and the nation as a whole seem to delight in watching the now yearly tradition of seeing what Netanyahu predicts, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration says that the Prime Minister’s prognostications have not been entirely reliable.  In fact, Mr. Netanyahu has forseen the arrival of an Iranian nuke within months every year since 1995 with the exception of 2002 when he took a break from looking towards Iran to explain that Iraq  would soon have nuclear weapons that could reach American shores.  There seems to have been no relationship between Netanyhu’s predictions and the actual course of climactic events according to NOAA.

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**Evangelical Christian Who Believes Kingdom of Israel Must Arise To Bring About the Rapture, Forcing Jews to Choose to Between Christianity and Hell, Is Pretty Sure Democratic Senators Who Missed Netanyahu Speech Are Antisemitic **

(Bemidji, Minnesota) Local handyman L. Phillip Coldwater — an evangelical christian who looks forward to the rapture — is pretty sure that Minnesota Congresspeople who boycotted Tuesday’s  controversial address by Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are antisemetic.  Evanjew

“There’s no excuse for not supporting the Jewish state,” opined Mr. Coldwater who firmly believes in Evangelical prophecy stating that the rise of a worldwide kingdom of Israel will presage the rapture and Second Coming.  “Listen,” stated the reportedly excellent handyman, “standing against Israel is standing against God’s plan which will see the world ruled by Israel until the Second Coming.”  At that point, Mr. Coldwater explained, all Jews will either convert to Christianity or reject the true savior and burn in a lake of fire for all eternity.

“See,”Coldwater concluded, “God wants the Jews to rule the world and then see the light and become Christian; all these people who don’t get that are antisemetic bastards.”

Informed that Minnesota Senator Al Franken —  who boycotted Netanyahu’s remarks —  is, in fact, Jewish, Mr. Coldwater stated “well, that asshole will get what’s coming to him when Jesus returns.”

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NATION STUNNED AS RUDY GIULIANI TRANSFORMS INTO LITERAL CARTOON OF HIMSELF ON LIVE TELEVISION

A Caricature of Himself

FORMER MAYOR AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE: “THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME REAL MAGIC IN THAT LAST CLAIM ABOUT OBAMA NOT LOVING AMERICA”

(New York) Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani on Saturday transformed into a literal cartoon caricature of himself while trying to explain that President of the United States Barack Obama has no love for the nation he leads because of his communist upbringing.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” stated Ari Aguero of the Associated Press, “he was just saying the most cartoonish things you could possibly imagine and then he was surrounded by this glowing light and poof he literally turned into a cartoon version of himself draped in the American flag, carrying a cross and wearing a 9/11 Rambo hand band.”

“It would have been really frightening if it didn’t just seem so appropriate,” stated CNN News corresponded Francine Schechter, “It was like — well that was surprising but now that it’s happened, I kinda feel like I should have seen it coming, ya know?”  Others shared Ageuro’s startled but largely sanguine response and some in the scientific community say we should have been ready for such an eventuality all along.

Indeed, Arthur Hobkens, a Professor of theoretical physics at NYU explained that the transformation at hand is wholly consistent with current theoretical models of the multiverse.  “There’s no magic here,” the professor stated bluntly, “this is a case of a rip in the fabric of reality.”  The Professor went on to explain that the combination between Giuliani’s astonishingly anachronistic allegations about communism and his clearly racist attitude coupled to a simultaneous denial that race was involved at all —  created a “kind of sinkhole” in time and logic itself.  As a result, “Giuliani ripped a hole in the fabric of reality.” In all likelihood, the Professor claimed, the Rudy Giuliani from this reality has likely changed places with his counter-part from a caricature universe and is currently living in a cartoon world in which all of his allegations and wild theories are actually true.  “I wonder,” the professor concluded, “if he’s noticed.”

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** DEVELOPING NEWS: Informed He is Not White, Dinesh D’souza Denounces, Kills Self**

Pundit Throttles Self With Tie While Singing Battle Hymn of the Republic

dsouzaobamaReports indicate that Pundit and Director of the controversial film Obama’s America 2016 has killed himself upon learning of his own minority status in the United States.  Apparently, the vocal talking head was asked if we was aware that he himself was a minority after the pundit tweeted Screenshot_2015-02-18_11.25.49.0that you  “Can’t Take the Ghetto” out of President Obama after the President took a “selfie” in an effort to reach out to younger Americans.

Upon confirmation of his own “racial status,” D’Souza apparently screamed at himself in a mirror, announcing that his reflection had an Anti-Colonialist Mentality and then throttled himself with his own tie while humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic.  More as this story develops.

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** DEVELOPING NEWS: Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Opines Sarah Palin Freedom Summit Speech May Contain Secrets to Unraveling String Theory **

Palin Unification Theory

 “It was certainly harder to follow than any other lecture I have ever attended”

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PROPHET MUHAMMAD NAMED NEW CITIZEN EDITOR IN CHIEF

10922683_802983723123564_4000293846961504163_nUpcoming Title Change to “The Prophet” In the Works

The Prophet Muhammad has agreed to take over the editor-in-chief position at Citizen Schwartz for a stint that will last as long as the prophet would like. In honor of his stint as editor, Citizen Schwartz will change it’s name and will now be referred to simply as THE PROPHET.

Asked why he was assuming editorial duties at the small web publication, the Prophet responded that he wanted to “demonstrate to his less intelligent followers that jihad is easy but comedy is hard.” 
He then added: “Je Suis Charlie”

**NOTE: The image used here is, for obvious reasons, taken directly from the publication Charlie Hebdo. Only the “caption” has been changed. The Citizen/Prophet claims no rights to the image. And if there were any money to be made from the posting, it would be sent to the families of those who lost loved ones in the recent insane attack. Everyone, everywhere should be publishing this picture today. Let’s see some larger institutions take a stand as well.

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New Madden NFL 2015 Game Update Includes Domestic Violence MiniGame

Madden Final Citizen Final No CoverAvoiding Cameras, Short Term Suspensions Is Critical To League Success

(Los Angeles)  The Sports division of Electronic Arts is no stranger to controversy but it seems to have wandered into a particularly dangerous minefield with its latest update to the wildly popular football simulator franchise “Madden NFL.”

The game patch, aimed at providing a more realistic depiction of the NFL experience, includes a mini-game in which players commit acts of domestic violence and must avoid cameras and witnesses or risk short term suspensions.  In executive mode, such transgressions must be quickly covered up.

“Listen,” said EA Sports President Zack McAllen, “we promise our customers and fans that ‘if it’s in THE game, it’s in OUR game.’  Quite frankly, anybody who hasn’t come to the conclusion that domestic violence is part of the NFL game in recent weeks is either very slow or living under a rock.”

If fact, sources inside EA have reported that developing the new aspect of the simulator was not a very major challenge.  “It’s not like we had to simulate a complex interaction here or turn something taken seriously into entertainment.  The NFL already treats covering up domestic violence like a game, so we just adopted their attitude in designing our role play.  Seriously, they really did the work of turning it into a game for us.”

The EA game can be played in several modes — a video gamer may play as either an athlete committing acts of violence himself or choose from any number of executives, lawyers and fixers who are tasked with hiding the incidents and issuing the minimal possible penalties allowing for players to continue performing for the benefit of the ownership.  The highest difficultly level on the “business side” of the game comes in the form of a “commissioner mode.”

“We’ve gotten a number of complaints that the commissioner mode is too hard with so many coverups to handle at once,” stated McAllen, “but generally our players like a challenge.  If we need to release a patch that provides a less-realistic ‘easy’ setting in which the commissioner is not constantly lying and strategizing … Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

As for the gaming community, the reaction has been remarkably mixed.  Some players seem enthusiastic but many find the inclusion of the mini-game shocking, troubling and distasteful.  Nevertheless, one noted feminist critic sees a silver lining in this case: “Usually I would hate this kind of horrifying misogyny,” said FemiGame Magazine founder Adrienne Shiner, “but here I feel like the gaming jerks are shining a light on how awful the football jerks really are.  So maybe that’s okay?  I don’t know.  I kinda hate everyone. I mean, that’s not abnormal … but today?  Today, everyone can really just go sit and spin”

For his part, gamer Josh Bevington of Freeport, Wisonsin doesn’t have any problem with the game.  “Hey, I’ve been beating up prostitutes and strippers in the Grand Theft Auto games for years. And that stuff rocks. If there’s a difference here I can’t see it.  I can’t see it at all.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment.

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Perplexed Clarence Thomas Unsure Why He Can’t Get a Cab

"It's just damn peculiar" the Justice opined.

“It’s just damn peculiar” the Justice opined.

(WASHINGTON, DC) – Clarence Thomas has confirmed reports circulating today that the Supreme Court Justice had an inexplicably difficult time hailing a cab in Southeast D.C. late this afternoon.  The Justice, who has held prestigious and high paying leadership positions for the last several decades, had not attempted to flag down a cab in at least thirty years as he is usually transported to and from work by a limousine service or — occasionally — private helicopter.

“I guess I really just don’t remember what it’s like to hail a cab or how to do it; that’s the only explanation I currently have.”  The frustrated Justice said that he looked to others as a guide to determine if there was “some new custom or practice” with regard to getting the attention of cab drivers.

“I actually saw my former clerk Tad Worthington hail a cab with no problem across the street and then watched carefully as one of the court secretaries —Abigail Goldstein-Farber — did the same.  They got cabs right away but whatever they were doing was very subtle.  I think it might be in the wrist. But my goodness, does it seem I’m not good at picking up on this one.”

Luckily for Justice Thomas, Justice Antonin Scalia happened by after “about three quarters of an hour” and asked if he could help.  “I think it’s that he’s from Queens, but that man clearly knows how to hail a cab,” stated Thomas, himself from Altanta, GA.  “Sometimes I underestimate how important different life experiences can be in shaping a person.”  Laughing he concluded, “Nino got me a ride in moments.  I’d like to get better at this whole thing myself, but if I don’t I’ll just ask Scalia for help quicker next time.”

“I mean, at the end of the day, as long as I have a ride, the rest of it just isn’t all that important.”

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5-4 SUPREME COURT FINDS SECOND AMENDMENT INAPPLICABLE TO BLACK PEOPLE

Scalia Majority Opinion Points to Founders’ Intentions

Justice Scalia explains his history of racism

Justice Scalia explains his history of racism

Thomas Writes Special Concurrence Scolding Scalia For Failing to Go Far Enough with Originalism Doctrine

(WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court Friday ended a decades-long trend of expansively reading the 2nd Amendment to the United States Constitution — and greatly broadening the right to bear arms — by finding that the protections and liberties guaranteed by that clause do not apply to “people of African extraction, commonly known as ‘blacks.’”

Set against mounting violence in Ferguson, MO, the case was taken by the court on an emergency basis.  Attorneys for the litigants in the matter of Burress vs. Ferguson County argued that the need to protect oneself from a militarized, overreaching state was a core rationale for the court’s expansion of 2nd Amendment rights.  While agreeing with that interpretation in principle, however, a majority of the justices found that black people are simply “a different matter entirely.”

Writing the controlling opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia — a passionate “originalist” in much of his jurisprudence — stated that it was simply inarguable that the Founding Fathers never meant for the right to bear arms to apply to slaves or “members of the black race” should the slaves ever be freed. 

“Simply put,” Scalia wrote in the opening lines of his powerfully worded decision, “it is laughable to suggest that even the few abolitionist founders who existed would have been anything but horrified at the thought of a black man with a gun. Thus, as a jurist, so must I be; that is what originalism means.  So, going forward, I approach this case in the only way I know how: as a jurist who is horrified at the idea of an armed black man.”

From there, Scalia’s decision goaded the dissent for suggesting that either the equal protection clause or any amendment to the constitution was ever meant to expand the right to bear arms to African Americans.  “As my survey of the history of constitutional conventions, state ratification votes and relevant legislative history indicates, I have no doubt that the largely white majorities who voted for measures like the Civil Rights Act of 1964 were fine with giving Black people many rights, but that very few if any of them ever meant to say that these people could be armed.  Now I know that my dissenting colleagues are prone to flights of fancy, but the idea men like Lyndon Johnson wanted to give black men guns? That is beyond absurd.”

For their part, the dissenters seemed simply flabbergasted by the majority decision in every regard.  “I don’t know why we took this case,” stated Justice Ginsburg, “I don’t know why we decided it and I’d certainly like to say that I don’t know how it’s possible that anybody could make the argument Justice Scalia offered here today.  However, to me it seems like a natural extension of his dissent in Windsor [the voting rights case].  If anyone can makes sense out of that opinion without saying ‘black people are just different,’ he or she is a better jurist than I.”

For his part, Justice Clarence Thomas — the sole African American justice sitting on the bench today — entered a special concurrence indicating that “Justice Scalia and the majority simply did not go far enough” in pointing out how “patently absurd is the notion that white legislators ever meant to give black people guns.”  Like Justice Scalia, Thomas embarked on his own historical review in order to make his point clear, and he did so with great force.**

[ ** Editorial note: Language from Thomas’ historical overview has been omitted from the end of this article by decision of the Citizen Schwartz editorial staff due to the Justice’s liberal use of the “N-word” and other racial epithets in making his argument.  The language of the decision should soon be posted on the Supreme Court’s website.]

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UNDERSEA SEARCH FOR CNN’S JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY NEARS “DISAPPOINTING” END

The Search Continues at CNN
(Sydney, Australia) — The joint Malaysian-Australian commission charged with searching the bottom of the Indian Ocean for remnants of CNN’s once-touted journalistic integrity will soon end its hunt in “abject failure and utter frustration” according to unnamed sources within the agency.

Over the past several months, CNN anchors and pundits have watched on with bated breath as the commission’s underwater sonar device “Bluefin-21” has scoured nearly 95% of the ocean floor.

The search has had its ups-and-downs. “We’ve thought several times that we had leads on this — that someone might have spotted something that looked like real reporting” stated CNN’s Wolf Blitzer speaking from a 3D rendering of an undersea coral reef, “but each time, it’s turned out that agency spotters were simply looking at floating garbage that happened to closely resemble CNN coverage. It’s been very disappointing.”

Indeed, despite high hopes, the network’s 24 hour coverage of the hunt has demonstrated not a single trace of anything resembling journalistic standards or the remnants thereof, according to officials with knowledge of the matter.

Still, some agency insiders remain impressed with CNN’s tenacity. “CNN has really followed us down to rock bottom on this one,” stated Australian official Ryan Nguyen. “There’s no lower the network could go in reporting this story. It’s kind of impressive really.”

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FACEBOOK’S NEW “SUICIDE NOTE VIDEOS” ALARMINGLY POPULAR, RECENT DATA SUGGESTS

Facebook J post 1It seems the people at Facebook have some explaining to do in the wake of the incredibly successful roll-out of the social networking site’s “Haven’t You Lived Long Enough?” retrospective video compilation service.  The service provides users not only with a quick retrospective of their time on Facebook set to an instrumental rendition of Semisonic’s hit song “Closing Time,” but also provides each user with a compelling video presentation demonstrating that they’ve probably lived long enough and shouldn’t bother people with any more posts about their trivial, meaningless existence.

Facebook J post 2“It was not the intention of Facebook to glorify or promote suicide,” Holly Monroe — head of marketing strategy at Facebook stated in a somber message, “we were simply trying to build on our wonderful 10 Year Anniversary videos by providing our users with a very valuable service at a very difficult time. Clearly we did far too good a job.”

  Indeed, both police statistics and the Facebook site itself demonstrate an astonishing spike in the suicide rate in every population in which Facebook is popular.  Forensic psychologist Adrian Menninger was not surprised by the trend: “Sad as it is to say, suicide is fundamentally a self-involved or narcissistic act.  Clearly the exact same thing can be said about posting on Facebook.  It’s a natural nexus.”

Josh Peterson, a Facebook user from St. Sebastian, MN offered a different theory: “What do I think?  I think people would kill themselves to avoid seeing another goddamn Facebook video.  That’s what I think.”

Mark Zuckerberg could not be reached for comment.

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GLOBAL OUTRAGE MOUNTS AS SANTA ADMITS NAUGHTY/NICE LIST SHARED WITH NSA

 

A Feisty Father Christmas Tried to Assure the World that "On Balance" His Program "Has Always Been in the Best Interest of Good Children Everywhere."

A Fiery Father Christmas Tried to Assure the World that “On Balance” His Program
“Has Always Been in the Best Interest of Good Children Everywhere.”

Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle

(North Pole) –  Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else.  “Ho, ho, ho,” Santa told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer late Tuesday afternoon, “I also bring heightened security.  It’s my responsibility in a post-9/11 world.  I need to do what I can.  Ho. Ho. Ho.”

Asked for clarification, the Jolly Mr. Claus admitted that he had allowed his significant fact-gathering apparatus to be put to work for the U.S. National Security Agency and had, in fact, provided that organization with his an un-redacted copy of his previously sacrosanct list of all the children in the world sorted by their status as being either “naughty” or “nice” during the previous calendar year. “At least he’s finally admitting it,” sniped an angry Guardian journalist Glenn Greenwald — also a guest on Blitzer’s telecast.  “I mean, this jocular admission comes after months of slandering both Mr. Elf and Mr. The Snowman.”

Indeed, former Claus employees Julian Elf and Edward T. Snowman have been urging and examination of Santa’s practices for months after the pair left work, leaking a treasure-trove of communications between Santa’s North Pole data collection outfit and various US intelligence agencies.  However, until now Santa had been reticent to discuss the matter claiming that both Elf and Snowman were in violation of contract and North Pole law in discussing anything having to do with the list. He had further suggested that while information about the letters might have been shared, the content was never seen by NSA agents.  This has since been proven not to be the case.

“Look” a suddenly animated Mr. The Snowman announced as Mr. Greenwald placed an old silk hat upon his head.  “I may have been magically born yesterday but even I know that if you give people free access to personal information, they’ll take a look.  It’s just human nature.   There must be checks and balances.  I’ll melt before I accept anything less.”

Greenwald himself was not only indignant concerning the privacy issues raised by the NSA’s access to Santa’s list; he found the Security Agency’s desire to access the information in-and-of-itself troubling.  “This list is useless as a national security matter.  I mean, every Jewish, Muslim or otherwise non-Christian child is listed as being naughty here!  How can that help!?  I myself am listed as ‘naughty’ twice, once for my lack of belief and once for being ‘strident’ and ‘uncompromising.’   So what if I am?  Did you break any stories that have made the country better this year, Mr. Claus?   F**k that.  I have every right to get a present.”

While the usually Jolly Saint Nick showed flashes of anger and refused to acknowledge that any mistakes have been made in developing the current policy, he did seem to admit that his practices must be examined going forward. “Ho, ho, ho,” Santa concluded, gathering himself after losing his cool for a moment, “I might have to reevaluate the situation next year now that all this information has come to light in such an unfortunate, incomplete way.  These leaks were just terrible and have and undermined the world community’s sense that we are closely adhering to the spirit of Christmas here.  If some adjustments need to be made in light of discloses, they will be; my first goal is that all have a merry christmas.  Ho, ho, however: security matters too, and I assure you that, on balance this program has always been in the best interest of good children everywhere.”

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Bill Kristol, Ann Coulter Find Huge Cache of WMD in Iraq, Finally Feel Qualified to Speak on Middle East Again

AnnBillWMD“I Mean No One In Their Right Mind Would Listen to What We Have To Say About Foreign Policy Before This” States Pundit Kristol

(Citizen News – Basra, Iraq)  Iraqi authorities evacuated and quarantined a ten mile area just outside Basra today after Bill Kristol and Anne Coulter uncovered an enormous cache of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons in the region.  The clearly labeled munitions were easily identifiable as being a stockpile left over from the reign of President Saddam Hussein. The Bathe party leader was removed from power by allied forces known as “The Coalition of the Willing” in August of 2009.

Until now, the Iraq war was considered a “black mark” on the record prognosticators like Bill Kristol and Ann Coulter who repeatedly voiced their certainty that WMD would be found in Iraq and were harshly critical of any who expressed even the smallest doubt on the matter — referring to them variously as “appeasers,” “idiots,” “terrorist sympathizers,” and “un-American Liberal fools.”

Of course, when no weapons were found in the wake of the American invasion, and the Iraq war became a quagmire costing America significantly in blood and treasure — pundits like Kristol and Coulter did the only thing they could: expressed their sorrow and left the public scene.

“Of course I couldn’t return to journalism, let alone television,” Kristol explained standing before the newly discovered stockpile.  “I had been so horribly, stridently wrong about so many critical things, I couldn’t even listen to myself — let alone ask anyone else to believe a word I had to say.  I mean, I’m the guy who said that it was just ‘pop psychology’ that Sunni’s and Shia’s might not get along.”

Indeed, for the last decade, news programs and periodicals across the political spectrum have been unwilling to credit or give a platform to pundits like Coulter and Kristol — at least in the area of foreign policy and military interventionism.

“Today’s find is a major boon to me,” stated This Week’s host George Stephanopoulos, “I mean both Ann and Bill are such lovely, humble people and I can’t wait to have them back on my show.  But before this find, they were just too utterly ashamed to appear on TV and discuss foreign policy.  I mean — after looking so foolish who could blame them.”

“It’s not like I could have them on either; there are journalistic standards that come into play no matter how much you personally like a potential guest.”  Shaking his head, Stephanopolous concluded, “I didn’t think Ann would ever get past the fact that she called the Iraq war a ‘magnificent success’ even late in the game.  But this goes a long way into rehabilitating this pair.”

Coulter, for her part, is not quite ready to return to the public scene.  “Bill and I still have a lot of work left to do before our credibility is fully restored.  We’ll work hard but we have to prove to ourselves that our opinions are worth listening to.  The last thing either of us would do is just ‘go out there half-cocked’ and act like we know what we’re talking about.”

Coulter and Kristol’s next stop is Antarctica where they intend to study ice core samples in order to prove to “themselves and the world” that they have been right about global warming all along.

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Sen. Ted Cruz Vows Not To Raise Nation’s Debt Ceiling Until Union Admits To Losing Civil War

Cruz Control jpeg

Referring to the Confederacy as a “wonderful friend to America” and a “key ally in the war on terror,” Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) seemed unperturbed by the Confederate Flags flying at Ted Cruz’s recent rally.

WASHINGTON, DC  (CSN) Republican Sen. Ted Cruz vowed early Monday that he would seek to stop any legislation raising the nation’s debt ceiling unless and until President Obama “in his role as the current, if illegitimate, head of the Union” presented the Junior Senator from Texas with papers “announcing the North’s immediate and unconditional surrender to the Confederacy.” Such documentation, the Senator argued would simply acknowledge “at long last” that the South “clearly and decisively” won the Civil War. Senator Cruz’s statement came at a time of already high tension in Washington as the nation entered its second week of a government shutdown forced by a committed cadre of House Republicans seeking to defund the Affordable Care Act.

Senator Cruz considers himself the spiritual father of the Tea Party lead shutdown and is unapologetic about the issue.  Indeed, his only regret seems to be not going further, faster.  “The truth is, we were aiming to low,” Cruz told Fox New’s Sean Hannity in an interview after his press conference. “We’re gonna win this thing … this shutdown thing … and we’re gonna go on to win on the debt ceiling. So I say: aim high, win big. And for me that means finally getting all this nonsense about the War Between The States settled once and for all.”

White House Spokesman Jay Carney was visibly flustered this afternoon when informed of Senator Cruz’s remarks during his regular press conference. “Let me say this one more time,” Carney said after a long moments pause, “the President has no intention of bargaining around the debt ceiling.”

“Furthermore, while I have not asked the President directly, I am fairly certain that this Administration has no intention of renegotiating General Lee’s surrender at Appomattox at the present time.”

Although several moderate voices in the Republican party — including Senators Susan Collins of Maine and John McCain of Arizona  — have spoken out against Senator Cruz’s goals and strategy, John Boehner (R-Ohio) appears to be conflicted on the matter.  Though originally expressing skepticism about the Texas Senator’s position, the House Majority Leader seemed to “walk back” his stance after an hour long meeting with members of the House Tea Party Caucus earlier this afternoon.

“Look,” Boehner stated to a gaggle of reporters upon leaving the meeting, “nobody wants to be here.  You don’t.  I don’t.  I certainly don’t want to risk the full faith and credit of the United States while arguing about who really won the Civil War. It’s not an ideal time or an ideal topic in my opinion.  However, after speaking with my members, they decided that this is the time to deal with this issue.  We’re just talking about people of good faith asking to sit down and talk.  That’s it.”

“I don’t know where we go from here.  But I’ll tell you one thing I know:  it is painfully obvious to everyone who is being unreasonable here.  We’re just asking for a conversation.  It’s the President who is saying that just talking about a possible surrender by the North is out of the question. Since when is being unwilling to negotiate the sane position? I think the good people of America know full well who is putting them at risk over silly goddamn games.”

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BREAKING HAZZARD

In an alternate universe, BREAKING BAD was an ’80’s Sensation …

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