Author Archives: The Citizen

**Evangelical Christian Who Believes Kingdom of Israel Must Arise To Bring About the Rapture, Forcing Jews to Choose to Between Christianity and Hell, Is Pretty Sure Democratic Senators Who Missed Netanyahu Speech Are Antisemitic **

(Bemidji, Minnesota) Local handyman L. Phillip Coldwater — an evangelical christian who looks forward to the rapture — is pretty sure that Minnesota Congresspeople who boycotted Tuesday’s  controversial address by Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are antisemetic.   “There’s no excuse … Continue reading

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NATION STUNNED AS RUDY GIULIANI TRANSFORMS INTO LITERAL CARTOON OF HIMSELF ON LIVE TELEVISION

FORMER MAYOR AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE: “THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME REAL MAGIC IN THAT LAST CLAIM ABOUT OBAMA NOT LOVING AMERICA” (New York) Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani on Saturday transformed into a literal cartoon caricature of himself … Continue reading

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** DEVELOPING NEWS: Informed He is Not White, Dinesh D’souza Denounces, Kills Self**

Pundit Throttles Self With Tie While Singing Battle Hymn of the Republic Reports indicate that Pundit and Director of the controversial film Obama’s America 2016 has killed himself upon learning of his own minority status in the United States.  Apparently, the vocal … Continue reading

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** DEVELOPING NEWS: Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Opines Sarah Palin Freedom Summit Speech May Contain Secrets to Unraveling String Theory **

 “It was certainly harder to follow than any other lecture I have ever attended”

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PROPHET MUHAMMAD NAMED NEW CITIZEN EDITOR IN CHIEF

Upcoming Title Change to “The Prophet” In the Works The Prophet Muhammad has agreed to take over the editor-in-chief position at Citizen Schwartz for a stint that will last as long as the prophet would like. In honor of his … Continue reading

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New Madden NFL 2015 Game Update Includes Domestic Violence MiniGame

Avoiding Cameras, Short Term Suspensions Is Critical To League Success (Los Angeles)  The Sports division of Electronic Arts is no stranger to controversy but it seems to have wandered into a particularly dangerous minefield with its latest update to the wildly popular … Continue reading

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Perplexed Clarence Thomas Unsure Why He Can’t Get a Cab

(WASHINGTON, DC) – Clarence Thomas has confirmed reports circulating today that the Supreme Court Justice had an inexplicably difficult time hailing a cab in Southeast D.C. late this afternoon.  The Justice, who has held prestigious and high paying leadership positions … Continue reading

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5-4 SUPREME COURT FINDS SECOND AMENDMENT INAPPLICABLE TO BLACK PEOPLE

Scalia Majority Opinion Points to Founders’ Intentions Thomas Writes Special Concurrence Scolding Scalia For Failing to Go Far Enough with Originalism Doctrine (WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court Friday ended a decades-long trend of expansively reading the 2nd Amendment … Continue reading

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UNDERSEA SEARCH FOR CNN’S JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY NEARS “DISAPPOINTING” END

(Sydney, Australia) — The joint Malaysian-Australian commission charged with searching the bottom of the Indian Ocean for remnants of CNN’s once-touted journalistic integrity will soon end its hunt in “abject failure and utter frustration” according to unnamed sources within the … Continue reading

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FACEBOOK’S NEW “SUICIDE NOTE VIDEOS” ALARMINGLY POPULAR, RECENT DATA SUGGESTS

It seems the people at Facebook have some explaining to do in the wake of the incredibly successful roll-out of the social networking site’s “Haven’t You Lived Long Enough?” retrospective video compilation service.  The service provides users not only with … Continue reading

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GLOBAL OUTRAGE MOUNTS AS SANTA ADMITS NAUGHTY/NICE LIST SHARED WITH NSA

  Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle (North Pole) –  Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else.  … Continue reading

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Bill Kristol, Ann Coulter Find Huge Cache of WMD in Iraq, Finally Feel Qualified to Speak on Middle East Again

“I Mean No One In Their Right Mind Would Listen to What We Have To Say About Foreign Policy Before This” States Pundit Kristol (Citizen News – Basra, Iraq)  Iraqi authorities evacuated and quarantined a ten mile area just outside … Continue reading

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Sen. Ted Cruz Vows Not To Raise Nation’s Debt Ceiling Until Union Admits To Losing Civil War

WASHINGTON, DC  (CSN) Republican Sen. Ted Cruz vowed early Monday that he would seek to stop any legislation raising the nation’s debt ceiling unless and until President Obama “in his role as the current, if illegitimate, head of the Union” … Continue reading

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BREAKING HAZZARD

In an alternate universe, BREAKING BAD was an ’80’s Sensation … Dukes of Heisenberg (aka: Breaking Bad: Hazzard County) – watch more funny videos

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SCUT FARKUS NOT GUILTY IN SHOOTING DEATH OF LITTLE RALPHIE PARKER UNDER INDIANA STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

Evidence Suggests Ralphie Was Straddling, Striking Defendant When Farkus Shot Out Boy’s Eye, Brains HOHMAN, Ind.  —  Scut Farkus, the so-called “yellow-eyed bully” accused of murdering Ralphie Parker, was found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter Thursday afternoon. The … Continue reading

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TEXAS DOCTORS FIND CATCH 22 – NOW PROVIDING ABORTIONS UNDER PROTECTION OF STATE STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

Practitioners Pit Broad “Self-Defense” Law Against Recent Abortion Bans By Yelling “I’m in Fear For My Life” During Procedures AUSTIN, TX (CSN) – Conservative lawmakers in Texas were flummoxed today as abortion clinics throughout the Lone Star State reopened their … Continue reading

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PROMINENT GASTROENTEROLOGIST WORRIED ANTONIN SCALIA MAY BE “DANGEROUSLY FULL OF SH*T”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CSN) – Antonin Scalia is quite accustomed to his judicial decisions and legal writings generating sharp criticism and voluminous commentary.  Indeed, colleagues and commentators alike have long suggested that the often combative Justice takes great pleasure in enraging … Continue reading

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MILLIONS REUNITED WITH FAMILIES AS FIRST SCREENINGS OF “THE HOBBIT” FINALLY BEGIN RELEASING PATRONS

(LOS ANGELES, CA) It’s been just over four months since eager early audiences sat down to the first screenings of the hotly anticipated film “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.”   Sadly and surprisingly for many, those initial audiences are only … Continue reading

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SENATOR WHO RECENTLY DISCOVERED HE HAS AN UNINSURED, CHRONICALLY ILL, IMPOVERISHED, GAY, IMMIGRANT, AFRICAN AMERICAN SON WHO WAS TRAGICALLY GUNNED DOWN AT A SCHOOL SHOOTING MAKES SUDDEN U-TURN ON SEVERAL KEY ISSUES

Senator Richard Starboard (R – Montana) announced a sudden u-turn on issues relating to health care, immigration, the social safety net, gay rights and gun control today after discovering the existence and tragic death of his son Tyrell Javier Fernando … Continue reading

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