Author Archives: The Citizen

In Rare Kumbaya Moment, Ousted Oklahoma Frat Boy and Girl’s Writer Lena Dunham Agree: Jews are “the Worst”

(Oklahoma/New York City) Ousted Oklahoma fraternity brother Levi Pettit claimed he was “deeply sorry” for leading a racist chant that got him booted out of school on Thursday morning before turning to another issue – the latest issue, in fact, … Continue reading

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For the fans of “How Did This Get Made?”

Presenting the high-res version of the poster currently available to The Citizen.  A new version will be created (with newer material — from Gooby to more Sly and a bunch of sharks) if the HDTGM folks request.  The Citizen will just have … Continue reading

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DESPITE SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS, MOST AMERICANS REFUSE TO BELIEVE TED CRUZ HAS LAUNCHED A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

(LYNCHBURG, Va)  Senator Ted Cruz of Texas announced on Monday morning that he would run for president in 2016, however, most Americans remain steadfastly certain that the Senator is not running.  “Listen,” stated John Cochran, a resident of Lynchburg who … Continue reading

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**DEVELOPING ** ** Apple watch’s new processor rumored to allow consumers to double the rate at which they can trade privacy for convenience **

More as this story develops

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Citizen Week in Review: Benjamin Netanyahu Emerges to Warn of Imminent Threat of Nuclear Iran, Signaling 6 More Weeks of Winter

Crowd Cheers at Yearly Ritual (Punxsutawney, PA)  As Gobler’s Knob officials and a huge crowd of onlookers watched a small television with rapt attention and good humor Tuesday morning, Benjamin Netanyahu saw the imminent threat of a nuclear Iran, portending … Continue reading

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**Evangelical Christian Who Believes Kingdom of Israel Must Arise To Bring About the Rapture, Forcing Jews to Choose to Between Christianity and Hell, Is Pretty Sure Democratic Senators Who Missed Netanyahu Speech Are Antisemitic **

(Bemidji, Minnesota) Local handyman L. Phillip Coldwater — an evangelical christian who looks forward to the rapture — is pretty sure that Minnesota Congresspeople who boycotted Tuesday’s  controversial address by Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu are antisemetic.   “There’s no excuse … Continue reading

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NATION STUNNED AS RUDY GIULIANI TRANSFORMS INTO LITERAL CARTOON OF HIMSELF ON LIVE TELEVISION

FORMER MAYOR AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE: “THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME REAL MAGIC IN THAT LAST CLAIM ABOUT OBAMA NOT LOVING AMERICA” (New York) Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani on Saturday transformed into a literal cartoon caricature of himself … Continue reading

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** DEVELOPING NEWS: Informed He is Not White, Dinesh D’souza Denounces, Kills Self**

Pundit Throttles Self With Tie While Singing Battle Hymn of the Republic Reports indicate that Pundit and Director of the controversial film Obama’s America 2016 has killed himself upon learning of his own minority status in the United States.  Apparently, the vocal … Continue reading

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** DEVELOPING NEWS: Theoretical Physicist Stephen Hawking Opines Sarah Palin Freedom Summit Speech May Contain Secrets to Unraveling String Theory **

 “It was certainly harder to follow than any other lecture I have ever attended”

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PROPHET MUHAMMAD NAMED NEW CITIZEN EDITOR IN CHIEF

Upcoming Title Change to “The Prophet” In the Works The Prophet Muhammad has agreed to take over the editor-in-chief position at Citizen Schwartz for a stint that will last as long as the prophet would like. In honor of his … Continue reading

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New Madden NFL 2015 Game Update Includes Domestic Violence MiniGame

Avoiding Cameras, Short Term Suspensions Is Critical To League Success (Los Angeles)  The Sports division of Electronic Arts is no stranger to controversy but it seems to have wandered into a particularly dangerous minefield with its latest update to the wildly popular … Continue reading

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Perplexed Clarence Thomas Unsure Why He Can’t Get a Cab

(WASHINGTON, DC) – Clarence Thomas has confirmed reports circulating today that the Supreme Court Justice had an inexplicably difficult time hailing a cab in Southeast D.C. late this afternoon.  The Justice, who has held prestigious and high paying leadership positions … Continue reading

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5-4 SUPREME COURT FINDS SECOND AMENDMENT INAPPLICABLE TO BLACK PEOPLE

Scalia Majority Opinion Points to Founders’ Intentions Thomas Writes Special Concurrence Scolding Scalia For Failing to Go Far Enough with Originalism Doctrine (WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court Friday ended a decades-long trend of expansively reading the 2nd Amendment … Continue reading

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UNDERSEA SEARCH FOR CNN’S JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY NEARS “DISAPPOINTING” END

(Sydney, Australia) — The joint Malaysian-Australian commission charged with searching the bottom of the Indian Ocean for remnants of CNN’s once-touted journalistic integrity will soon end its hunt in “abject failure and utter frustration” according to unnamed sources within the … Continue reading

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FACEBOOK’S NEW “SUICIDE NOTE VIDEOS” ALARMINGLY POPULAR, RECENT DATA SUGGESTS

It seems the people at Facebook have some explaining to do in the wake of the incredibly successful roll-out of the social networking site’s “Haven’t You Lived Long Enough?” retrospective video compilation service.  The service provides users not only with … Continue reading

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GLOBAL OUTRAGE MOUNTS AS SANTA ADMITS NAUGHTY/NICE LIST SHARED WITH NSA

  Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle (North Pole) –  Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else.  … Continue reading

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Bill Kristol, Ann Coulter Find Huge Cache of WMD in Iraq, Finally Feel Qualified to Speak on Middle East Again

“I Mean No One In Their Right Mind Would Listen to What We Have To Say About Foreign Policy Before This” States Pundit Kristol (Citizen News – Basra, Iraq)  Iraqi authorities evacuated and quarantined a ten mile area just outside … Continue reading

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Sen. Ted Cruz Vows Not To Raise Nation’s Debt Ceiling Until Union Admits To Losing Civil War

WASHINGTON, DC  (CSN) Republican Sen. Ted Cruz vowed early Monday that he would seek to stop any legislation raising the nation’s debt ceiling unless and until President Obama “in his role as the current, if illegitimate, head of the Union” … Continue reading

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BREAKING HAZZARD

In an alternate universe, BREAKING BAD was an ’80’s Sensation … Dukes of Heisenberg (aka: Breaking Bad: Hazzard County) – watch more funny videos

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