Category Archives: Humor

Perplexed Clarence Thomas Unsure Why He Can’t Get a Cab

(WASHINGTON, DC) – Clarence Thomas has confirmed reports circulating today that the Supreme Court Justice had an inexplicably difficult time hailing a cab in Southeast D.C. late this afternoon.  The Justice, who has held prestigious and high paying leadership positions … Continue reading

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5-4 SUPREME COURT FINDS SECOND AMENDMENT INAPPLICABLE TO BLACK PEOPLE

Scalia Majority Opinion Points to Founders’ Intentions Thomas Writes Special Concurrence Scolding Scalia For Failing to Go Far Enough with Originalism Doctrine (WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court Friday ended a decades-long trend of expansively reading the 2nd Amendment … Continue reading

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UNDERSEA SEARCH FOR CNN’S JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY NEARS “DISAPPOINTING” END

(Sydney, Australia) — The joint Malaysian-Australian commission charged with searching the bottom of the Indian Ocean for remnants of CNN’s once-touted journalistic integrity will soon end its hunt in “abject failure and utter frustration” according to unnamed sources within the … Continue reading

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FACEBOOK’S NEW “SUICIDE NOTE VIDEOS” ALARMINGLY POPULAR, RECENT DATA SUGGESTS

It seems the people at Facebook have some explaining to do in the wake of the incredibly successful roll-out of the social networking site’s “Haven’t You Lived Long Enough?” retrospective video compilation service.  The service provides users not only with … Continue reading

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GLOBAL OUTRAGE MOUNTS AS SANTA ADMITS NAUGHTY/NICE LIST SHARED WITH NSA

  Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle (North Pole) -  Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else.  … Continue reading

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Bill Kristol, Ann Coulter Find Huge Cache of WMD in Iraq, Finally Feel Qualified to Speak on Middle East Again

“I Mean No One In Their Right Mind Would Listen to What We Have To Say About Foreign Policy Before This” States Pundit Kristol (Citizen News – Basra, Iraq)  Iraqi authorities evacuated and quarantined a ten mile area just outside … Continue reading

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Sen. Ted Cruz Vows Not To Raise Nation’s Debt Ceiling Until Union Admits To Losing Civil War

WASHINGTON, DC  (CSN) Republican Sen. Ted Cruz vowed early Monday that he would seek to stop any legislation raising the nation’s debt ceiling unless and until President Obama “in his role as the current, if illegitimate, head of the Union” … Continue reading

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SCUT FARKUS NOT GUILTY IN SHOOTING DEATH OF LITTLE RALPHIE PARKER UNDER INDIANA STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

Evidence Suggests Ralphie Was Straddling, Striking Defendant When Farkus Shot Out Boy’s Eye, Brains HOHMAN, Ind.  –  Scut Farkus, the so-called “yellow-eyed bully” accused of murdering Ralphie Parker, was found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter Thursday afternoon. The … Continue reading

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TEXAS DOCTORS FIND CATCH 22 – NOW PROVIDING ABORTIONS UNDER PROTECTION OF STATE STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

Practitioners Pit Broad “Self-Defense” Law Against Recent Abortion Bans By Yelling “I’m in Fear For My Life” During Procedures AUSTIN, TX (CSN) – Conservative lawmakers in Texas were flummoxed today as abortion clinics throughout the Lone Star State reopened their … Continue reading

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PROMINENT GASTROENTEROLOGIST WORRIED ANTONIN SCALIA MAY BE “DANGEROUSLY FULL OF SH*T”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CSN) – Antonin Scalia is quite accustomed to his judicial decisions and legal writings generating sharp criticism and voluminous commentary.  Indeed, colleagues and commentators alike have long suggested that the often combative Justice takes great pleasure in enraging … Continue reading

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MILLIONS REUNITED WITH FAMILIES AS FIRST SCREENINGS OF “THE HOBBIT” FINALLY BEGIN RELEASING PATRONS

(LOS ANGELES, CA) It’s been just over four months since eager early audiences sat down to the first screenings of the hotly anticipated film “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.”   Sadly and surprisingly for many, those initial audiences are only … Continue reading

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SENATOR WHO RECENTLY DISCOVERED HE HAS AN UNINSURED, CHRONICALLY ILL, IMPOVERISHED, GAY, IMMIGRANT, AFRICAN AMERICAN SON WHO WAS TRAGICALLY GUNNED DOWN AT A SCHOOL SHOOTING MAKES SUDDEN U-TURN ON SEVERAL KEY ISSUES

Senator Richard Starboard (R – Montana) announced a sudden u-turn on issues relating to health care, immigration, the social safety net, gay rights and gun control today after discovering the existence and tragic death of his son Tyrell Javier Fernando … Continue reading

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FAMILY SUES MICHELE BACHMANN AFTER FACT CHECKER’S HEAD LITERALLY EXPLODES DURING CONGRESSWOMAN’S 2013 CPAC ADDRESS

(TAMPA BAY, FL)  At a press conference held today, the attorney for the family of PolitiFact reporter Joshua Coleman formally announced that the family has decided to pursue an action for wrongful death against Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.  As has … Continue reading

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CITING WILD SUCCESS OF TACO BELL’S “DORITOS TACO LOCO,” VATICAN INTRODUCES NEW “NACHO CHEESE” AND “COOL RANCH” DORITO COMMUNION WAFERS

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican today announced a bold first step in its new plan to make the institutional Church more appealing to modern, Western Catholics — particularly those living in the United States.  That step comes in both Nacho … Continue reading

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ABOMINABLE HOUSE

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DICK MORRIS FIRED FROM E! ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION AFTER PREDICTING BIG OSCAR WIN FOR MITT ROMNEY

(LOS ANGELES, CA) Dick Morris appears to be back on the job market after the Conservative Pundit’s short stint on E! Entertainment Television came to a rather abrupt end late Wednesday evening when he predicted that former Republican Presidential Candidate … Continue reading

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Earth Celebrates as Wayne LaPierre Single-Handedly Diverts Deadly Meteor with Bushmaster Rifle, 100 Round Drum

(WASHINGTON, DC) When it was discovered late Friday afternoon that Space Rock 2012 DA14 would not miss earth as scientists earlier predicted but would, in fact, impact its surface resulting in an extinction-level event — most of the planet’s population … Continue reading

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Pope Benedict XVI Resigns In Wake of Super Bowl Lip-Synching Scandal

Pontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication (VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.”  He added, further, that “my … Continue reading

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GOP REVEALS NEW “COMPREHENSIVE” LATINO STRATEGY: PAUL RYAN NOW INTO ZUMBA

 LUNTZ ANNOUNCES MOVE TO LATIN DANCE-FITNESS AT MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE (WASHINGTON, D.C.) In recent weeks, moderate Republicans have been hard at work trying to craft a new strategy to decrease the Democratic Party’s overwhelming advantage within the American Latino community.  … Continue reading

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US Seeks International Sanctions Against Producers of “Movie 43″

CLINTON TELLS U.N. “WORLD CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE LOOMING THREAT OF A ‘MOVIE 44‘” (NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed … Continue reading

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