“I knew it wasn’t short,” said John Oswald — an exhausted, scraggly and teary-eyed thirty-something.  “I mean I’m a huge fan, and I read all the advance stories that said the movie ran long.  But, you can’t be prepared for how long this thing really is.  I mean, it just kept going … It was like some kind of horrible nightmare.  Honestly, I’m having a little trouble remembering where I live and what my children look like.”

Pausing for a moment, Oswald became agitated and added, “Oh my god, my job! I’ve lost my f****ing job!” before running off in the direction of his car.

Oswald is anything but alone amongst Hobbit viewers in terms of his disorientation and overall delicate emotional state.  Almost every person exposed to The Hobbit has  reported some level of emotional distress and psychological unease.  Indeed, in the next few months, experts say the citizens of the world should expect to see millions more dazed and confused patrons returning home as more and more screenings of the Hobbit let out across the globe.

“These people will be desperately in need of care and help in coming to grips with the time they have lost while watching this interminable film,” stated noted Psychiatrist Edvard Grüber.  “Of course, they will need the love of their families and friends in this difficult time, but just as important, they will need a very specific kind of medical care. No one can deal with this kind of torment without real, focused psychiatric intervention”

Indeed, as a result of the flood of cases he has seen since the Hobbit’s first audience release date, Dr. Grüber has urged that a new category of psychiatric illness be recognized and added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

“The recognition of PJSD (or Peter Jackson Sufferance Disorder) would be an important first step in organizing and normalizing treatment of these lost souls.  It could also be a critical step in educating the public about the dangers of going to future films in this series or, dare I even mention it, buying a dvd or blu-ray of this film.”

As the doctor’s words suggest, and despite the psychiatric communities best efforts, the 620 disc box set of “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” has, indeed, already been released.  The film is also available streaming via Amazon or the iTunes store both of which have upped their regular 24 hour rental period to 6 and a half months to accommodate the movie’s release.

“I know people are big fans of movies like this,” Dr. Grüber concluded, “but I beg you to think long and hard before starting this film.  No matter what you’ve heard, it is much, much, much longer than you think.”

Peter Jackson could not be reached for comment at the time of this article’s publication.

During his 30 minute interview on the daytime talk program, the Senator indicated that he was shocked to learn that his first wife was multiracial, in the United States illegally, and had given birth to his son 9 months after their divorce.  “I had no idea I had an immigrant, multiracial son teaching school in Florida; had I known that I would have really rethought so many things, including my position on teachers unions, by the way.”

Friends report that Tyrell Javier suffered a long battle with chronic respiratory and blood clotting diseases and spent most, if not all, of his money on medical care as his job as a substitute teacher provided him no health insurance.  Tragically, the Senator’s son was gunned down in a school shooting last week by a man with an assault rifle using an extended clip.

“It’s really amazing,” Senator Starboard told Barbara Walters, “I mean, the recap you guys did at the start of the show made me realize there’s at least two or three other legislative areas I have to change my mind on when I get back to the office.  It’s really just been a very hard time.”

In the end, however, the Senator was able to take some small solace in the sad revelations about his formerly unknown son.

“All I can say is, ‘thank goodness he was a boy!’” the Senator concluded with a shiver, “I don’t even want to think about how many positions I’d have to change if it turned out I was closely related to a woman.”

“The sad fact is that Mr. Coleman thought he was prepared,” stated attorney Irwin Fitzpatrick, “He had trained for weeks since drawing the CPAC assignment and believed strongly that he was at the top of his fact checking game.  But what I will prove in a court of law is that no one — and I mean no one — could be prepared for the onslaught unleashed by Michele Bachmann in recent weeks.  And certainly not the tidal wave she let loose on the stage last Saturday afternoon.”

With that preamble, Fitzpatrick yielded the stage to Coleman’s coworker Jessica Ramos who witnessed the actual event.  “It was just horrible,” the clearly shaken young reporter stated from the podium,  “It happened fast but not all at once.  I could tell trouble was developing when I looked over from my desk and saw how fast Josh was taking notes; it was almost unnatural. I looked up and saw Bachmann was on his screen but couldn’t hear what she was saying because Josh was wearing headphones.  And Josh … he just kept writing faster and faster and faster.  And then, his pencil … it just snapped in half, and his head started to shake and then: boom!  It was so horrible.”

Both Coleman’s gore-covered notes and a timeline reconstruction of events indicate that the fact-checker’s head exploded just as Bachmann suggested that government regulation had prevented finding a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease and just after she lambasted the President’s lavish lifestyle — noting that he had “five chefs on Air Force One” and a personal dog walker available 24 hours a day.

“It was just an unrelenting bombardment, and he couldn’t take it,” Tampa Bay Times Editor Bill Adair told reporters with a tear in his eye.  ”Perhaps I am partially to blame.  I know there could have been more safety measures in place, and I promise there WILL be from here on in, whenever Representative Bachmann speaks.”

Indeed, both PolitiFact and the Washington Post’s “Fact Checker” unit have reacted to the tragedy by requiring that only teams of at least two fact checkers with CPR and First Aid training report on any event at which Representative Bachmann is present.  If Mrs. Bachmann is actually scheduled to speak, teams of three are mandated.

“Some think the three reporter requirement is an excessive reaction,” stated Washington Post executive editor Marcus W. Brauchli when reached for comment, “but those people weren’t on the House Floor on Thursday when Representative Bachmann announced that ObamaCare is literally killing vulnerable children and the elderly.  I’m the one who has to take responsibility for these young reporters’ lives.  And I say: three person teams for the time being.”

While applauding safety measures like those instituted by Mr. Brauchil, the Coleman family attorney took matters a step farther, “As far as I’m concerned, if the events of the last week have proven anything, it is that everyone would be well advised never to listen to Michele Bachmann ever again.”

Citizen Schwartz’s three reporter team was unable to reach Representative Bachmann for comment at the time of this article’s publication.

“We’re very excited to announce today that the Vatican has entered a partnership with the good people at Frito Lay in order to bring the world a more desirable and yet wholly Vatican-endorsed Eucharist” stated newly minted Pope Francis the First.  “Many of us in the Church have long understood that our institutions must adapt to service the changing cultural needs of modern, Western populations, and we can think of no better starting place for change nor better time to capitalize on the success of the Doritos brand.”

Indeed, the Dorito chip does seem to be on a bit of a roll as of late as Taco Bell just announced that its “Doritos Taco Loco” (a taco served inside a shell made of a giant Dorito chip) has become one of the biggest success stories in fast food history.

“When we learned that Taco Bell sold 1 million Doritos Tacos Locos per day in 2012 – and that the company had to take on 15,000 extra employees just to deal with the popularity of the thing — well we just knew that we had our hook for reeling in those wayward Western Catholics,” stated a Cardinal close to the mater.  “This thing has ‘hit’ written all over.  I haven’t been so excited since the end of that fish on Friday nonsense with Vatican II.”

Asked whether or not his South American roots had anything to do with this announcement, Pope Francis responded, “You’re pulling this Popes robes right?   Okay, genius.  First off, I’m of Italian extraction, and secondly, if you think Doritos are from South America, you must be the dumbest person I’ve ever met.  Idiot racist … Next question! ”

The Citizen regrets having asked.

Click Image to Enlarge

“It was totally bizarre,” stated Chelsea Handler — host of E’s Chelsea Lately.  ”The guy got out there and seemed totally normal until the producer asked him for a prediction.  Then it was like someone flipped a switch; he started ranting about the skewed Hollywood numbers and how surprised everyone was going to be when the finally tallies came in.  I was like: what is going on!?”

“I’ll tell you who else was saying ‘what is going on?!‘“ chimed in a clearly amused Joel McHale — host of the E! hit show The Soup: “The graphics department!”

“They were floored.  I mean floored.  But you gotta give it to them: they rolled with it like champs and got a picture of Romney up there in seconds.  We really have the best support staff in the business.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t laugh,” McHale finished wiping at his eyes and trying to gather himself, “The poor guy’s out of another job and these are tough times.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure he’s entirely well.”

Indeed, the pundit’s mental health is a bit of an open question.  Mr. Morris — who was fired from Fox news just weeks ago after he famously and incorrectly predicted a “huge Romney landslide” in last year’s Presidential election — flagged the issue of a possible nervous condition himself in an interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan Thursday night.  “Frankly, I think I blacked out,” a visibly shaken Morris admitted, “someone asked me for a prediction and my senses were just flooded with the sights and sounds and feelings of all those years at Fox News.  It wasn’t an unfamiliar or scary sensation at all; to the contrary … it was comforting and familiar and then there was this mounting reflex … I guess I’ve just never tried to fight it before.  I struggled with it and lost.  I honestly don’t even remember the rest of the segment.”

Dr. Klaüs Von Benderspink — Morgan’s other guest for the night and an expert on cults, brainwashing and PTSD — was not surprised by Mr. Morris’ depiction of the event.  “I see this kind of thing all the time,” stated the thick-accented German as he peered in Mr. Morris’ eyes with the help of a Retina scope, “though this ‘Fox Pundit’ variation is undoubtedly new.”

“Quite simply, our friend Dick here has been taken out of the Fox News but the Fox News has not been taken out of our friend Dick.  He is fine physically … and with some time and superior counseling I believe he should be able to recover the full use of his facilities.”

Indeed, Benderspink quickly offered to take Morris on as a patient himself, provided the Republican Strategist would agree to come and work with him at the Benderspink Center for Creative and Cutting Edge Deprogramming in Stuttgart, Germany.

“This is an area I should study more and in short order,” the doctor explained as the show concluded, “This is a growing and very exciting field, indeed.  I have no doubt that an ever increasing number of those exposed to Fox News will need help coming to grips with reality in the coming years.”

“I had already run the numbers and suspected that we had been given bad information by the astronomical community,” LaPierre told a gaggle of reporters on the Capitol steps late in Friday evening. “My calculations suggested that DA14 would strike the Earth at approximately 4:15 and 12 seconds Eastern Standard Time, and that D.C. would be an excellent place from which to mount a defense.”

“I already had plans to be in Washington, so it was just a matter of making sure I had a weapon as powerful and efficient as the Bushmaster semi-automatic and a drum of at least 100 rounds of hollow-point ammunition with me should it turn out my a calculations were correct.”

As it turned out, LaPierre’s assessment was accurate within millimeters and fractions of a second.

“Sometimes I hate it when I’m right,” LaPierre said, “but there was nothing to do but take care of business.”

So, at 3:59 PM Eastern Standard Time, as other denizens of D.C. scattered powerless in terror, Wayne LaPierre cooly assembled his weapon (a heavily modified AR-15 with special stock and scope) on the steps of the Capitol Building, walked out onto the mall and, in under twenty seconds of firing, placed one hundred precisely positioned hollow-point projectiles into the surface of the approaching meteor.

The results were spectacular.

“I would have thought it fanciful had I not seen it myself” stated astrophysicist Albert Jackson, “but having seen the event and spoken to Mr. LaPierre, I now understand that the perfect placement of the 100 small projectiles, married to the rapidity of the delivery and the nature of the hollow point ammunition itself all combined to create a chain-resonant effect on the asteroids surface. It was this effect that — through a series of harmonic reactions — superheated the combustable surface of the space rock, forcing the outer shell of the meteor to explode, ricocheting the remainder of the rock back into space. To the layman and the naked eye, it might have simply appeared that LaPierre blew the meteorite up with his rifle. But that would be impossible. This was just good science and, critically, the availability of the tools necessary to get the job done. I can only thank God and the vigilance of the NRA that Mr. LaPierre had those tools available and was able to save the lives of every man, woman and child on the face of planet Earth.”

Indeed, the revelation that the world owes its continued existence to an assault rifle and large ammunition drum has had an immediate and profound impact on the political landscape. Late Friday night, a contrite and humbled President Barack Obama announced his intention to drop all attempts at further gun regulation, as well as his decision to award Wayne LaPierre the Presidential Medal of Freedom — the nation’s highest civilian honor.

“For months, I have argued that there was no valid reason for regular citizens to possess these high-powered weapons which are capable of firing so many high-caliber rounds so fast without the operator even needing to pause to reload,” the President stated.  “Clearly I, and liberals like me, have been dead wrong the whole time.  There is no longer a doubt in my mind that we must arm our population with these powerful tools in order to destroy and divert deadly planet-killing Meteors and other space-based threats.  It is my profound hope that Mr. LaPierre can find it in his heart to forgive me and work with my administration as we see to it that every man, woman and child in America is provided with a Bushmaster rifle and a 100-round drum so that we are at least minimally prepared should another asteroid ever take a path that threatens our very existence and way of life.”

Pontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication

(VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.”  He added, further, that “my retirement has nothing whatsoever to do with the scandal that has so plagued the Church in recent days nor the part I played in it.”

It is assumed that the scandal to which the Pontiff refers is the well-reported media kerfuffle that broke out upon the revelation that the Pope was lip-synching to a pre-recorded track when he performed with singer Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter (commonly referred to simply as Beyonce) at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show.

“Clearly, this Pope was involved in a dark chapter for the church,” Papal historian Aldus De Luca Conti said when reached for an interview, “There can be no doubt that he is aware that many feel he and the Church really let down their ‘fans’ on that one — particularly their youngest, most innocent and emotionally vulnerable fans who trusted deeply in the Church and now feel a profound loss of innocence in the wake of the whole scandal.”

“Still,” De Luca Conti continued, “I take the Pope at his word.  If he says that the threat of further revelations about his involvement in this disturbing and seemingly ever-widening scandal had nothing to do with his resignation, I totally believe him.”

Indeed, the Pope was adamant on this point: “I deeply regret that so many young Catholics felt hurt because I did not use my own voice when called to do so, but rather mouthed along to fixed and pre-determined words designed only to make the Papacy and Church look better through a lavish and theatrically staged performance.  Perhaps that was a mistake in judgement … but again, live music is very tricky during major events like the Super Bowl.  In any event, and I must stress this one final time: that scandal, regrettable though it is, is 100% in the Church’s past and my abdication today has nothing whatsoever to do with that issue.”

Singer Beyonce could not be reached for comment at the time of this article’s publication.

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) In recent weeks, moderate Republicans have been hard at work trying to craft a new strategy to decrease the Democratic Party’s overwhelming advantage within the American Latino community.  Much to the chagrin of figures like Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), however, the party continues to have real trouble connecting with that key demographic.  “Guys like Rubio try to propose policy initiatives,” said Political Pundit Chad Hilton, “only to be shouted down by Limbaugh and tea party types who call any comprehensive reform ‘amnesty’ and refer to the Dream Act as ‘the catch, release and vote’ program.  I just don’t see anything substantive changing in the Republican party on issues that matter to Latinos.”

Frank Luntz, however, says he has an answer for the GOP’s woes, and he claims it can’t miss.  He presented the strategy at a press conference held at a large gymnasium in the Foggy Bottom area of D.C. earlier today.

“The problem is connecting,” Luntz said, speaking on a stage before a drawn, red-velvet curtain, “None of the difficulty is really about policy or substance. I’ve run the numbers; this problem is about messaging. It’s about saying ‘we’re just like you; we share your values and concerns; we share your loves and sense of fun.’”

“It is in that spirit that I hereby roll out the Republican Party’s biggest, most comprehensive Latino strategy to date: the gala announcement that Paul Ryan is now into Zumba – The Latin Dance-Fitness Sensation!”

With that Luntz stepped away from the curtains and gave the stage to Ryan and a team of colorfully dressed Latino dancers who put on a spirited show of dance-aerobics backed by a laser light display and a wild Brazilian beat.

While it is unclear how profound an impact Ryan’s (admittedly impressive) new routine will have on the GOP’s numbers with Latinos, it certainly represents a major change for Ryan himself.  Up until recently, the famously fit GOP Congressman (and former Vice Presidential candidate)  was a vocal proponent of the strenuous, unrelenting P90X workout.  But he now says that extreme, uncompromising regimen is in his past.  “We all have to adapt to connect,”  a sweating, panting Ryan told reporters after his performance, “there are certain demographic realities out there.  And if that means, I need to start working out to a hot Latin beat … well, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

CLINTON TELLS U.N. “WORLD CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE LOOMING THREAT OF A ‘MOVIE 44‘”

(NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed the case for embargoes, sanctions, and the possible use of force against Relativity Media LLC in response to its release of the critically and popularly reviled film “Movie 43.”  The Secretary also named producers Charles B. Wessler and the infamous Farrelly Brothers as parties to the “unspeakable act.”

Armed with reports from Rotten Tomatoes [dot com], statistics from the Center for Disease control, a flotilla of anecdotal evidence, and clips from the film itself – Secretary Clinton told the world that the creation and dissemination of Movie 43 was an obvious crime against humanity and a clear violation of international law.  Further, she argued, inaction by the international community could invite the unthinkable: more of the same.

“Simply put, the world cannot suffer to live under the threat of a possible ‘Movie 44’,” Clinton stated — rhythmically slamming her fist on her desk for emphasis as she spoke, “No child should be raised under the cloud of fear, uncertainty and sadness that such a threat creates.”

“Anyone who saw footage of moviegoers emerging from theaters during this last week would understand that.  Anyone who read the reviews would feel it in their bones.  And anyone who actually saw the film will never be the same.  Certainly, as many others have indicated before me, we must provide for these damaged souls, but we must do more!  We must say to them ‘Never again!  We will never let this happen again!’  And if we don’t act, it will!”

Clinton continued her testimony by sharing a grim, incontrovertible fact: in spite of the reviews and the horrible word of mouth, Movie 43 is turning a profit.  The incredibly cheap, star-studded production cost the studio only $6 million to make and has already taken in $8 million dollars world-wide.

“It’s critic proof in that sense” said Clinton — a tear running down her face, “but that doesn’t mean that Relativity, the Farrelly Brothers and Charles Wessler don’t have to answer to the world for their crimes.  It doesn’t mean they don’t have to answer to us. And it doesn’t mean that they can’t be stopped before they can make another film.  They can be.  They must be.  And we must be the ones to stop them.  This testimony is my last act as Secretary of State and I believe it is my most important.”

Clinton punctuated her emotional testimony by asking all non-critical personnel to leave the chamber, handing out air sickness bags to those who remained, and showing selected minutes from the film on monitors throughout the hall.  “It was just shocking,” stated Rwandan Foreign Affairs Minister Ms. Louise Mushikiwabo, “There was human cruelty, emotional abuse, genital mutilation, pedophilia, incest, people forced to endure being defecated upon, and — inexplicably — a full fifteen minute sketch in which the only joke was Hugh Jackman having a realistic scrotum dangling from his face.  You can’t un-see these things.  I am forever changed.”

** EDITORS NOTE:  Although the Farrelly brothers could not be reached for comment at the time of publication, they have responded to the criticism of the film via twitter with language that would seem to address the expected UN resolution:   “To the critics: Movie 43 is not the end of the world. It’s just a $6-million movie … Now back off.”  **