(COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying and cheating throughout his celebrated career as a cyclist — he was also, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the second gunman who shot and killed President Kennedy from the infamous grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963.
While Armstrong continues to deny the story, a stunning, and seemingly irrefutable case has been amassed by the USAD and presented to the public in the second report it has issued on Armstrong in as many weeks.
“I’ll admit this story is a bit outside the normal purview of the US Anti-Doping Commission,” stated investigator John Thomas, “And, yes, maybe we would not have pursued some issues if Mr. Armstrong hadn’t stirred the proverbial pot by continuing to lie so flagrantly and vilify us so constantly … But you have to understand, we found some very odd things during our initial investigation. Stuff that just screamed out for further exploration. Given what we found, there was just no way we could stop digging.”
One of the key discoveries spurring on the commission’s unorthodox and sprawling secondary investigation was the astonishing revelation that Mr. Armstrong is, in fact, 88 years old.
“Of course I was shocked when Lance showed me his actual birth certificate,” one of Armstrong’s teammates told investigators according to the report, “but you have to understand how incredible this guy was at doping. To this day, he doesn’t go 10 minutes without shooting something into his system or breathing some concoction though a vented face mask. And, you gotta know that it has been years since he’s gone twenty four hours without having all of the blood in his system replaced at least once. I mean: I don’t know why I’m surprised the man doesn’t age … he’s a goddamn high-tech vampire.”
Whatever the secret behind Armstrong’s remarkable longevity, it was the key factor in establishing a link between the seven time Tour de France winner and the Kennedy Assassination.
“Honestly, it was only a hop-skip-and-a-jump from his age to the the Zapruder film,” confided a junior investigator working on the case, “Given the scope of the doping conspiracy as well as Mr. Armstrong’s remarkable aptitude for lying — we just started wondering what other historic coverups he might have been involved with. From there … well, like I said: hop, skip, jump: Kennedy Assassination.”
Once the possibility of Armstrong’s involvement was on the table, pieces began to fall into place with remarkable speed. Before long, evidence of a connection between Armstrong, Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald was clearly established and photographic evidence of collusion between the three emerged. Then, armed with a warrant, the USAD performed a search of Armstrong’s home and discovered a treasure trove of evidence so compelling that Armstrong’s friends, lawyer, wife, priest and mother have all admitted his guilt. Indeed, at the time of this article’s publication, Mr. Armstrong is widely believed to be the only person in the contiguous United States who continues to dispute the USAD’s version of events.
“The evidence is totally clear, and utterly irrefutable” stated junior investigator Ken McManus, “the only question now, really, is a matter of degree. To my mind, this new revelation just might be even worse than the initial doping allegations. But, of course, that’s not for me to say, and it is obviously not the official position of the USAD. I mean, from day one, the top brass here has treated the whole ‘cheating at cycling’ matter with the kind of urgent, dogged tenacity usually reserved for the prosecution of a horrific, violent crime. I think they will continue to do so”
Indeed, a recent press release issued by the agency indicates that the commission will treat both the doping and the assassination matters with equal weight as it explores legal avenues for enforcing its findings and punishing Mr. Armstrong.
“Today’s supplemental report about events in 1963 takes no position on the relative gravity of the crimes of which Mr. Armstrong is accused. Thus far, the commission has proceeded as if doping in a sport pervaded by doping is just as bad a crime as conspiring to kill the President of the United States. We see no reason to change course at this time.”