INAUGURATION NEWS: KARL ROVE INSISTS OBAMA RSVP RESULTS SKEWED

GOP-gala3FixPROMISES GOP EVENTS WILL DWARF THE PRESIDENT’S

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) With President Barack Obama’s Second Inauguration less than a week away — and over ten days filled with official celebrations fast approaching — Democrats in D.C. are buzzing with excitement about the upcoming January calendar. However, while most observers see Democratic enthusiasm as a healthy and expected outgrowth of winning the election, some – like Republican strategist Karl Rove – see something else: arrogant complacency.

Speaking to Fox News’ Megyn Kelly from the gymnasium of St. Josephina the Divine Middle School today, Rove expressed frustration with ongoing media coverage of inauguration week 2013: “Look — the Democrats and the mainstream media are clearly creating a narrative here that favors their party. Sure they’re having major events. But let me tell you something, we in the GOP are having our own party right here — in this very gym — on January 20th. Everyone’s chipping in, and I fully expect it to outperform every single Democratic celebration on that day.”

On this point, a surprised Megyn Kelly pushed back a bit, noting that Fox’s own analysis of the numbers suggested that Democratic RSVPs looked fairly robust, and, further, that no one at Fox had even heard about Rove’s event until he called in to request network time a little over an hour before the interview.

“First off, we couldn’t report on the location until now because we were just able to secure this lovely gymnasium, Megyn,” Rove responded, “But, second, and more importantly, I’m sad to see you falling into the ‘drive-by media’ trap when you look at those numbers.”

With that, Rove pulled out his famed white board and began explaining the “simple math” behind his belief that the GOP’s “We’ll Get Them Next Time” Gala would outperform Obama’s events. Pointing to “gross oversampling” of Democrats in all RSVP tabulations to date, Rove highlighted historic inaccuracies in RSVP-based predictions and finished by noting that data provided by “Unskewed Party Planners dot Com” (and several notable Think Tanks) confirmed his analysis.

“In short, I’ve seen the numbers. The real numbers. I’ve analyzed them. And I have no doubt we are going to win this thing. Big.”

Rove didn’t stop there, however, adding that the Republican gala’s attractions alone were enough to guarantee an unprecedented turn-out. “I don’t need to analyze numbers to know which party people are going to want to attend,” Rove stated with a grin, “We’ve put Eric Cantor and his mom in charge of planning, and I’ll tell you what: the things they learned planning his Bar Mitzvah are really coming to the fore. We’ve got celebrities; we have a DJ; we have ‘Grover Norquist temporary tax-pledge tattoos’; we have an NRA Photo Booth … I mean, we have it all. You just can’t believe the kind of down-in-the-trenches effort we’re getting from everyone in the party.”

Indeed, as Rove’s interview proceeded, various GOP stalwarts worked tirelessly behind him to prepare the gym for festivities — with Republican notables like John Sununu and Michelle Bachman creating banners, hanging streamers and blowing up balloons. According to individuals close to the matter, this kind of direct, hands-on participation has proven necessary both because the majority of caterers, decorator and party planners in DC are otherwise engaged, as well as the fact that Grover Norquist refused to support any of the revenue-raising initiatives suggested by the GOP’s party committee.

Whether or not the Republican efforts pay off with big crowds remains uncertain. However, one thing is clear: a significant proportion of GOP planners remain utterly unfazed by the election of Barack Obama and uninterested in being shown numbers that suggest there is any problem with their party.

“All we have to do is advertise it better,” a smiling John Sununu stated, “I mean, the party is perfect. We couldn’t do anything better. Trust me on this: everyone will come around so long as we package it right.”

New York Times’ poll analyst Nate Silver could not be reached for comment at the time of this article’s publication.

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USAD REPORT PROVES LANCE ARMSTRONG KILLED JFK

* * CITIZEN FLASHBACK:  “WILL HE ADMIT IT TO OPRAH?” EDITION * *

OCTOBER 18, 2012 (COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying and cheating throughout his celebrated career as a cyclist — he was also, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the second gunman who shot and killed President Kennedy from the infamous grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963.

While Armstrong continues to deny the story, a stunning, and seemingly irrefutable case has been amassed by the USAD and presented to the public in the second report it has issued on Armstrong in as many weeks.

“I’ll admit this story is a bit outside the normal purview of the US Anti-Doping Commission,” stated investigator John Thomas, “And, yes, maybe we would not have pursued some issues if Mr. Armstrong hadn’t stirred the proverbial pot by continuing to lie so flagrantly and vilify us so constantly … But you have to understand, we found some very odd things during our initial investigation.  Stuff that just screamed out for further exploration.  Given what we found, there was just no way we could stop digging.”

One of the key discoveries spurring on the commission’s unorthodox and sprawling  secondary investigation was the astonishing revelation that Mr. Armstrong is, in fact, 88 years old.

“Of course I was shocked when Lance showed me his actual birth certificate,” one of Armstrong’s teammates told investigators according to the report, “but you have to understand how incredible this guy was at doping.  To this day, he doesn’t go 10 minutes without shooting something into his system or breathing some concoction though a vented face mask.  And, you gotta know that it has been years since he’s gone  twenty four hours without having all of the blood in his system replaced at least once.  I mean: I don’t know why I’m surprised the man doesn’t age … he’s a goddamn high-tech vampire.”

Whatever the secret behind Armstrong’s remarkable longevity, it was the key factor in establishing a link between the seven time Tour de France winner and the Kennedy Assassination.

“Honestly, it was only a hop-skip-and-a-jump from his age to the the Zapruder film,” confided a junior investigator working on the case, “Given the scope of the doping conspiracy as well as Mr. Armstrong’s remarkable aptitude for lying — we just started wondering what other historic coverups he might have been involved with.  From there … well,  like I said: hop, skip, jump: Kennedy Assassination.”

Armstrong on the infamous grassy knoll

Once the possibility of Armstrong’s involvement was on the table, pieces began to fall into place with remarkable speed.  Before long, evidence of a connection between Armstrong, Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald was clearly established and photographic evidence of collusion between the three emerged.  Then, armed with a warrant, the USAD performed a search of Armstrong’s home and discovered a treasure trove of evidence so compelling that Armstrong’s friends, lawyer, wife, priest and mother have all admitted his guilt.  Indeed, at the time of this article’s publication, Mr. Armstrong is widely believed to be the only person in the contiguous United States who continues to dispute the USAD’s version of events.

“The evidence is totally clear, and utterly irrefutable” stated junior investigator Ken McManus, “the only question now, really, is a matter of degree.  To my mind, this new revelation just might be even worse than the initial doping allegations.  But, of course, that’s not for me to say, and it is obviously not the official position of the USAD. I mean, from day one, the top brass here has treated the whole ‘cheating at cycling’ matter with the kind of urgent, dogged tenacity usually reserved for the prosecution of a horrific, violent crime.  I think they will continue to do so”

Indeed, a recent press release issued by the agency indicates that the commission will treat both the doping and the assassination matters with equal weight as it explores legal avenues for enforcing its findings and punishing Mr. Armstrong.

“Today’s supplemental report about events in 1963 takes no position on the relative gravity of the crimes of which Mr. Armstrong is accused.  Thus far, the commission has proceeded as if doping in a sport pervaded by doping is just as bad a crime as conspiring to kill the President of the United States.  We see no reason to change course at this time.”

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The LaPierre Stand

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Experts Suggest New Video Game Shipping With Fully Functional Assault Rifle Might Contribute to Gun Violence

NRA Call of Duty (LOS ANGELES, CA) – A new “Limited Edition” release of the monster hit video game “Call of Duty: Black Ops II” has raised lots of eyebrows — and not just within the gaming community.  While earlier releases of the Activision game have drawn some criticism for their graphic depictions of violence, the new “NRA DELUXE” release (offered in a partnership with the pro-gun organization) adds a new wrinkle to the discussion.  It ships along with a “collectable, semi-automatic Assault rifle” and 25 rounds of armor-piercing ammunition.

“It’s a pretty amazing deal for a collector’s edition,” said 19-year-old GameStop shopper Chip Pinkman (whose online handle is ‘Killdog49’), “I mean, sure you need to get a background check and all, but that’s an easier process than, like, signing up for Xbox Live with the game controller and that damn onscreen keyboard.  Anyway, it’s pretty rad.  Totally worth snapping up.”

U.S. Congressman Jay C. Smithwick, who introduced a bill calling for the study of violent video games in the wake of several recent mass shootings disagrees.  “Ever since this recent rash of killings with assault rifles began, I have been calling for the congress to look into the problem of video games,” the elder representative stated, “Even in the context of this recent move by Activision, I think it’s important that we keep our eye on our incredibly complex cultural problems and not just focus on the relatively clear-cut issue of not selling assault rifles in toy stores.  Would it be easy to pass a law to prevent weapons being sold like this: sure.  Would it really solve any long-term social problems: I’m not so certain.”

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated Tuesday that, while he disagrees with the Congressman’s negative view of the NRA game pack itself, he has no basic argument with Smithwick’s take on video games in general: “The NRA stands firmly behind this partnership with Activision because we live in an imperfect world … If it were up to me, everyone would have a gun and nobody would have any video games.  That would be the sane thing.  But given the world we live in, one thing is clear: the only thing that will stop a bad kid with a video game is a good kid with a video game and a gun.”

Psychologist Bruno Jabowlski — who has been cited in several court cases by those seeking to curb or ban violent video games — had a different, but not entirely inconsistent, take: “I am just glad this packaging gimmick has drawn attention to the horrible Call of Duty game itself.  There is tremendous evidence that playing violent games correlates strongly with aggressive behavior.  If it takes handing out guns to make people pay attention to the dangers of video games, I say ‘bravo, Activision, bravo!’”

Activist and mother Sharon Handley, however, expressed a different point of view while shopping near her home in the Dallas, FT Worth area.  “Let me get this straight,” Handley said, pausing to balance her chortling one-year-old son on her hip as she spoke, “people are selling a package with a game and an assault rifle in it and politicians and psychologists are talking about the game part before getting the armor piercing rounds off toy store shelves?!?”

“I think we need a commission to study the connection between gun violence and the election of easily distracted morons.”

Activision CEO Eric Hirshberg could not be reached for comment.

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Senators McConnell and Reid Arrested for Dine-and-Dash After Failing to Reach Agreement on Splitting Tab at TGI Fridays

TGICliffSenate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) were arrested early Monday evening after leaving a DC area TGI Fridays without paying a dinner and drink bill reportedly valued at $58.72.  The pair insist they had no intention of defrauding the restaurant but rather had simply adjourned a conversation concerning the splitting of the tab “until a later date.”

“I tried to explain to them that that kind of logic doesn’t apply at ‘Fridays’ … that there are rules, and you have to pay before you leave the premises,” stated restaurant manager Jackson Thomas, “But I turned around and they were gone — just up and left.  Luckily [DC police] Sergeant Stevens and his friends were eating a couple tables over and they were able to nab them outside.”

Indeed, arresting Officer Timothy Stevens was not surprised that law enforcement assistance was required in the wake of the Senators’ dinner.  “I was eyeballing those two clowns for almost forty-five minutes while they argued about the damn bill,” Stevens stated with a bit of a sneer, “it was insane. McConnell was all: ‘you had almost all of the Tapa-tizers and I only got a salad’ and then Reid would whine back ‘I don’t drink and those TGI Coolers you got were expensive.’”

“Seriously, it was painful.  Just totally obvious those two weren’t gonna be able to settle anything . . . ever.”

Kathryn Miller, the server who waited on the pair of powerful men seemed equally disgusted.  “The two of them were simply intolerable.  All they did all night was flirt with me and talk about how I was exactly the kind of hard-working American they were all concerned with.  Then, when the check came they started saying stuff about ‘base-line principles’ and ‘taking a stand’ … I told them that if they skipped out on the bill I’d get in trouble, but that really didn’t seem to matter to them.  They were too busy fighting about the Tapi-tizers.”

Both Senators Reed and McConnell have posted bail but, citing legal advice, declined to comment further on the situation.

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After Full Year of Inactivity, D.C. Coroner Designates Congress Legally Dead

D.C. Coroner Edward Fox Sees To the Bagging of the Obviously Brain Dead Legislative Body

D.C. Coroner Edward Fox Sees To the Bagging of the Obviously Brain Dead Legislative Body

In a somber press release issued earlier today, the District of Columbia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner confirmed the nation’s worst fears and announced that the once robust United States Congress is, indeed, clinically dead.  “We did not embark on this investigation with any preconceptions,” stated County Corner Edward Fox, “However, after a full year of total inactivity, and in the absence of all base-line organ function and traditional signs of life, our offices could no longer stand on the sidelines.  We had to make a call.”

Indeed, the decision to certify that the formally vital legislative body has been reduced to a pile of useless, necrotic tissue was not made hastily, according to the brief but dense press release issued just hours ago.  Rather, a careful diagnostic and certification process was months, if not years, in the making.

“Of course, our first thought was coma,” explains Chief Medical Examiner Augustus Faber, “Obviously, you don’t need to be an expert to determine that Congress has been completely inactive, incapable of communicating and utterly non-responsive to even the most painful of stimuli during recent years.  Thus, a finding of  ‘persistent vegetative state’ (or level 1 coma on the Glasgow coma scale) was textbook and a no-brainer.  That diagnosis fit, and we saw no reason to re-examine the matter for many months.”

A change in thinking in the coroner’s office developed in recent weeks, however, as the current Sequestration crisis deepened with Congress failing to act.  “The key to medical death is the demonstrable absence of any significant brain activity,” stated Dr. Fox somberly, “sometimes proving a negative like that (an absence rather than a presence) can be medically tricky in cases where an EKG is impractical.  Luckily for us (at least as diagnosticians), the so-called ‘fiscal cliff’ and ‘sequestration’ matters provided critical and irrefutable data.  It’s simply inarguable that only a useless, brain-dead institution could let things get to this point with so much at stake.  There’s just no room for disagreement on that point.”

Services for Congress will be held at the Washington National Cathedral at a date and time to be determined at some point in the future.

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Peter Jackson to Direct Epic 10-Part Film Series Based on Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon”

(LOS ANGELES) Peter Jackson may still be in post-production on the final installment of his three-part, nine-hour film version of the 250 page children’s classic “The Hobbit,” but it seems the prolific director has no interest in taking a break when that project comes to a close.   Early this morning, New Line Cinema issued a press release announcing that the studio and Jackson will partner to bring yet another children’s favorite to the silver screen starting in late 2013.  This time around, Jackson and New Line have taken aim at the 23 page, 131 word classic “Goodnight Moon.”

“The most exciting thing about the deal is the creative freedom Jackson is getting in light of the success of the first Hobbit film,” a source close to the final negotiations indicated, “Jackson told the company he couldn’t possibly do justice to the original text in under five films and the studio said ‘Peter, take ten films at three-and-a-half hours a piece if you need to!’  And that is precisely what he decided to do!”

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Indeed, the New Line press release promises the “Goodnight Moon” saga will be an “unprecedented, ambitious super-epic” and “a decalogue that only Peter Jackson could imagine or produce.”

“Presented with the option to really dive into the details, Peter just couldn’t pass it up,” stated Jackson’s longtime producing partner Fran Walsh, “he just relishes in every nuance and contour of the material.  And he’s getting better and better at it.  With the Lord of the Rings Series he was translating really long books into really long movies.  But with the Hobbit, he really broke new ground —  cinematically exploring shorter material for literally multiples of hours longer than it would take to just read the story itself.  I mean, seriously: it took me just over two hours to read the Hobbit, and I’ll be surprised if Peter’s trilogy isn’t pushing eleven-and-a-half in the theatrical release alone.  And wait til you see the Director’s Cut!  What the man can do to enlarge upon a classic is just … well … stunning.”

While most fans of Jackson’s epic Tolkien films, as well as the original Goodnight Moon source material, have greeted New Line’s announcement with excitement, a small group of skeptics has emerged to voice a variety of concerns about the endeavor.

One such dissenting voice is doctor Benjamin Davidson of Cedars-Sanai Medical Hospital.  “Listen, I’m no film critic,” Doctor Davidson stated during a phone interview this afternoon, “but the uptick in the nationwide incidence of deep vein thrombosis during The Hobbit’s opening weekend has been nothing short of alarming.  Correlation might not be causation, but I’ll tell you this: there is a limit to how long the human body is meant to sit still.  Mr. Jackson is really pushing what is medically acceptable; I hope he thinks about that as he’s crafting this new ten film series.”

Jackson reportedly lost 60 lbs. during a screening of the initial two-and-a-half week long cut of Return of the King

Jackson reportedly lost 60 lbs. during a screening of the initial two-and-a-half week long cut of Return of the King

Others closer to the film industry have raised aesthetic, as opposed to medical, concerns about the project. “Maybe the trend towards 3d and gimmicks like changing the frame rate of film just aren’t for me, but I don’t get this one at all,” noted film critic Joseph Morrow stated with a grimace, “I mean, Goodnight Moon?  In 3d at 132.4 frames per second?  The thing is like twelve sentences long about a kid saying goodnight to things in his room!  What’s he gonna do in the first movie?!  Tell the backstory of the balloon!?   Hollywood has simply lost its damn mind.  I’m done.  Just done.  I have to go.”

While critics like Mr. Morrow might hold some sway with older and more discerning moviegoers, the success of The Hobbit suggests that Hollywood executives and Directors like Peter Jackson have found and cultivated an audience that will sit through whatever material they offer no matter how long it runs.  “It’s just fantastic,” Jackson told a group at ComicCon last year, “my fans have expressed such a love for this material and such faith in me that I simply no longer feel restrained by traditional concerns about narrative momentum or even story structure itself. When I saw how much people enjoyed the fourteen separate endings I tacked onto the end of Return of the King, I just knew the sky was the limit.  You are all really gonna enjoy the Hobbit and what comes next, I promise.”

Indeed, looking even farther into the future, Fran Walsh doesn’t see Jackson slowing down even for a moment.  “I really think this is all building somewhere quite special,” Jackson’s friend and partner said this afternoon with a glint in her eye, “Peter once confessed to me that he has long dreamed of doing a realtime version of Gabriel García Márquez’s ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude.’  I, for one, would be honored to take that journey with him.”

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Old Man McCain’s White House Haunting Foiled by Dog, “Meddling Kids”

ScoobswithHill(WASHINGTON, DC) –  An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a fraud perpetrated by Senator John “Old Man” McCain as part of a scheme to advance his own political agenda.

For several weeks, the White House has been dogged by unsubstantiated but relentless rumors about its nefarious role in politicizing the tragedy at the US embassy in Benghazi.  Critics, however, had gained little traction until word began to spread that the ghost of Ambassador Chris Stevens was literally haunting the halls of Congress moaning vague accusations about manipulated intelligence and the culpability of UN Ambassador Susan Rice regarding her appearance on Sunday Morning Talk Shows in the wake of Ambassador Stevens’s brutal murder.  “Don’t worry about me being dead,” the ghost was reported to intone time and time again, “Susan Rice is the story here!”

Much to the White House’s chagrin, talk of the haunting was really hurting business.  “Once that ghost thing really got going,” said White House groundskeeper Dale Haney, “it was impossible to get things done at all in Washington … I was worried we were gonna just have to shut this whole place down.”

Luckily for Haney and the Obama administration, however, things took an unexpected turn a few days ago when a group of homeless, itinerant teens and a dog traveling in a colorful van took a wrong turn and ended up in D.C. on a dark and stormy night.  “It really was just happenstance, nothing remarkable,” stated a diminutive and nerdy Velma Dinkley when asked how the gang came to stay at the White House, “it was rainy and dark and spooky that night and we needed a place to stay.  Old groundskeeper Haney was nice enough to give us a room.  And that’s when he warned us about the ‘Curse of the Benghazi ghost.’”

Anything but frightened by the warning, the leaders of the gang — Fred Jones, Daphne Blake and the aforementioned Velma Dinkley — convinced a somewhat rattled Shaggy Rogers and dog Scooby Doo to investigate.  “It took two scooby snacks,” Fred stated, “but we got Scooby to come along.”

From there things fell into place rather quickly when the gang found a series of wires leading between an old reel-to-reel tape player and a string of speakers hidden throughout the White House.  “The tape had all sorts of wacky messages on it in a spoooktastic voice, man!” intoned a somewhat jittery Shaggy Rogers, “stuff like ‘forgeeeeet about the actual terrorist eveeeeeent’ and like ‘investigate the sunday talk shows.’ It was, like, wild!”

“Rats right,” added Scooby Doo, “rit was rarrry.”

From the determination that there was a scientific explanation for the ghostly voice  haunting the White House halls, it was quickly obvious to the gang who was responsible for the hoax.

“Sure from there it was all obvious,” stated the tall, blonde, clearly self-appointed leader of the gang Fred Jones, “but Velma’s the one who put the pieces together first.”

Blushing, Velma nodded, “Ah shucks!  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out!  That grumpy Ole’ Man McCain was already saying so many ridiculous things about the White House, it was plain to see that he was the one behind this caper!  I’m just glad a couple of Scooby Snacks was all it took to get old Scooby Doo to act as bait for that scary ghost!  We got it to chase Scoobs into the White House press room and Fred just ripped his mask right off to show the ghost was really just cranky Ole’ Man McCain.  After that, we explained the whole thing to the President, and he laughed and thanked us for our help.  It was great.  A really satisfying conclusion.”

In the end, then, the specter of a Benghazi scandal — which has gotten so much press in recent weeks — turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of ridiculous theatrics perpetrated by a frustrated old man.  “I would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for that dog and those meddling kids,” Senator McCain was heard complaining as he was hauled away to prison, “it’s not as if the media would have ever caught on!”

At the time of publication, neither Scrappy Doo nor Ambassador Susan Rice could be reached for comment.

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Les Miserables Coulter

 

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In Alternate Universe, Homeless Donald Trump Still a Narcissistic Douchebag

(AUBURN, MI)  Reporters getting an exclusive look through the newly developed “Alternate Universe Window” created by Dow Corning Labs today have reported that it in every universe surveyed, Donald Trump seems to be an insufferable, narcissistic douchebag — just as in our own reality.

The Dow Corning device (also called the “Many Worlds Viewer” by some) is  a 6’ x 6’ frame that uses tachyons and decaying neutron fields to generate a thinning in the fabric of space time — allowing viewers standing on one side of the “window” to view a crystal clear image of another universe.

“At this point we don’t know how or why the window ‘selects’ which parts of other universes to display,” one scientist at Dow stated, “But for some reason, it has shown us a lot of Donald Trump in each universe we’ve been able to view, and the guy is always a total douche.”

In particular, the window seems to have settled on one alternative world in which Donald Trump — far from being a billionaire — is an abrasive homeless man, whose ranting and raving goes largely unnoticed but for the other homeless people living in his immediate vicinity.  Those unfortunate souls seem mildly annoyed by the ranting Trump but take little mind of the man and do their best to steer clear.

“It’s kinda funny to see,” said one invited reporter, “he’s doing exactly the same crap over there in that universe but nobody cares at all: He rants all day long about stuff he knows nothing about and tells other homeless people they’re losers because they don’t have a ‘super classy box palace’ like his.”

Alternate Trump Hawks Stolen Malt Liquor Under His Own “Classy” Re-Brand

“And the thing is,” interrupted another journalist, “he just moved into that box-house when some other homeless guy died.  He just slapped this huge silver-foil ‘TRUMP’ on it and started screaming about how classy ‘Trump Palaces’ are and what an entrepreneur he was for building it.  It’d be hysterical if it weren’t kinda sad, ya know?  Cause, except from being homeless and ignored, he’s just exactly the same guy.”

Indeed, the surface differences and substantive similarities between Trump in this world and others has not gone unnoticed by the scientific community; it has, in fact, allowed researchers to draw some very interesting conclusions about the nature of the multiverse itself.

“The substantial sameness of the various Trumps is fascinating,” stated theoretical physicist Pierre Mandelbrot, “it seems that the closer other universes are to our own, the more similar the worlds are to ours in terms of relevant facts.  This ‘Homeless Trump World’ — or ‘HTW’ as we have come to call it — must be one of the nearest to our own as it takes the least energy to view.   In it, Trump is basically the same man.  We have been able to generate power spikes long enough to give us very, very brief glimpses into other universes in which Mr. Trump is a loud-mouthed cab driver, an annoying rodeo clown, an aggressive used car salesman, and even an obnoxious professional wrestler called ‘Mr. Classy Boss.’  However, we have been unable to maintain those viewings for more than a few seconds before losing power.  It just takes too much juice.”

Wrestler “Mr. Classy Boss” (A Disturbing View Into an Even More Distant “Douchiverse”)

Asked if there might be an existing world in which Donald Trump was actually worth listening to, Mandelbrot considered before stating hesitantly, “Theoretically, yes.  This must exist if one posits infinite universes; however, the amount of power it would take to view such a distant universe is incomprehensible.  Perhaps that of a collapsing star — a Red Supergiant or maybe two.  But that’s just off the top of my head; I obviously have not performed such speculative computations.”

Regardless of the precise measures and calculations, however, one thing seems beyond dispute: the human race will never see a Donald Trump who is not an insufferable douche who ought to be ignored.

“What can I say?” Mandelbrot concluded, “There are some things even the most advanced science cannot achieve.  What you ask for, I fear, is beyond imagination.”

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MittMovies!

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The Citizen is happy to announce a new home for all of your MittMovie Poster needs.

So, to check out the SAY ANYTHING remake poster (starring none other than the GOP presidential candidate himself), click on the image to the left.

 

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Mitt Romney Makes Final Pitch to Swing Voters: “I Too Am Undecided”

With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters.  While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout the campaign, the former Massachusetts Governor has decided to take a different course and embrace his mercurial record as a positive.  “I am one of you, my undecided friends,” Romney pronounced again and again on the stump this weekend, “If you are an undecided voter, then I am the undecided candidate you have been looking for.”

Though unconventional, the pitch has impressed many pundits and has some Democrats more than a little concerned.  “It’s a simple, evocative message based on a new kind of identity politics,” stated a clearly agitated James Carville, “I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming.  I hate it cause it’s absurd.  But I love it cause it’s crafty.”

Others in the field are more unreservedly impressed.  “It’s utter genius,” said pollster Jacob Feldmeyer of the website Politivibe, “and it’s just classic Karl [Rove].  You take a perceived weakness, like flip-flopping, and turn it into a strength.  Sure you or I might say Mitt Romney is an opportunist who believes in nothing, but Karl takes that same record and says ‘hey, swing voters, this guy is just like you!  He’s still thinking things through.”

A New Romney Supporter Applies a “Romney: Unsure For America” Bumper Sticker

Regardless of the explanation for the behavior, it is beyond dispute that Romney has switched positions with head-spinning speed and facility throughout this election cycle.  In the last month alone, he has abruptly reversed his stance on the weighty matters of abortion rights, tax fairness, the war in Afghanistan, America’s posture towards Iran, gun violence, and comprehensive immigration reform — just to name a few.  In prior political seasons, such ideological malleability would have been seen as a liability.  But that might be changing in what is now being thought of as the Romney (or perhaps post-Romney) era.

“Look,” said Republican strategist and pollster Frank Luntz, “there’s no reason that these things have to be cast as unfavorables.  It’s all about the words you choose.  ‘Lying,’ ‘mercenary,’ and ‘unprincipled’ poll badly but ‘undecided,’ ‘adaptable,’ and ‘open-minded’ prove to be quite appealing.  So what right does the liberal media have to pass judgement?  No right, I say.  None at all.”

Predictably, many on the left differ with Luntz’s formulation.  “Are you shitting me?” asked MSNBC’s Chris Hayes, “I’m all for calling normative judgements into question but .. wow!  I mean.  Wow!   I wanna say something thoughtful here about the distinction between sophistry and useful political discourse but all I got at the moment is ‘holy shit’ and ‘wow!’”

Luntz Explains the Process to Viewers While Romney Rides the Dial

At least on that score Hayes and Karl Rove agree.  “We really have been wowed by the response!” said Rove, “Our first ‘undecided candidate’ spot tested off the charts and is getting rave reviews now that it’s in the field.  We’re sensing a big swing amongst low information voters who really like the idea of seeing one of their own holding the highest office in the land.”

Indeed, while roundly criticized by the left, the extended advertisement Rove references is getting quite a response on both television and the internet.  In it, Frank Luntz puts Romney through the same process he usually reserves for undecided voter panels on Fox news — asking him a series of questions about how disappointed he has been with President Obama and then showing him excerpts from the three presidential debates.  As he watches himself discuss issues, Romney registers his opinions by turning a dial to indicate the degree to which he agrees or disagrees with himself in real-time throughout the debate.  As shown in the ad, his score indicates about 50% self-agreement — closely mirroring the attitudes of undecided voters, and prompting Mr. Luntz to pronounce that Mr. Romney truly is “the undecided candidate.”  The advertisement then concludes with Romney shrugging and half-heartedly saying “I’m Mitt Romney and I approved this message” in a tone that suggests he is more asking a question than making a statement.

A little Romney on Romney action from the popular ad.

So far, the spot is an enormous hit.

“It just really appeals to me that he can’t make up his mind either,” stated Jan Kirkland an undecided voter residing in Des Moines, Iowa.  “I mean, I’m really concerned about my rights as a woman and also the environment.  But while I really would like to say I’m pro-choice, I just don’t know that I’m pro-choosing.  So maybe Mitt really is the man for me.”

Maybe he is or maybe he isn’t.  But if Romney has a chance of pulling off an upset on November 6, one thing is clear: he needs voters who think like Jan Kirkland.

“People are changing their mind on Mitt changing his mind,” said Karl Rove as he scribbled incomprehensible numbers on a small white board on this week’s Meet The Press, “This is what I do.  And I’m betting that there are lots of Jan Kirklands in America.  Lots and lots and lots of them.  I can’t say there are enough for sure.  But I think there might be.  And if we get them to vote — if we get them to understand that it is a-ok that Mitt Romney has been all over the map on every critical issue facing this nation and the world at large — well, then, it’ll be thanks to thinkers like her that America wakes up to a new President on November 7th, 2012.  It’ll be thanks to thinkers like her.”

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DÉJÀ BUSH

It’s Deja Bush at the movies.

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ROMNESIA

In celebration of President Obama’s coining the term “ROMNESIA” today, Citizen Schwartz offers a CITIZEN FLASHBACK to the Oct 9!

MITTMENTO:   Some Positions Are Best Forgotten

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LANCE ARMSTRONG SHOCKER: NEW REPORT PROVES CYCLIST ALSO KILLED JFK

(COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying and cheating throughout his celebrated career as a cyclist — he was also, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the second gunman who shot and killed President Kennedy from the infamous grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas on November 22, 1963.

While Armstrong continues to deny the story, a stunning, and seemingly irrefutable case has been amassed by the USAD and presented to the public in the second report it has issued on Armstrong in as many weeks.

“I’ll admit this story is a bit outside the normal purview of the US Anti-Doping Commission,” stated investigator John Thomas, “And, yes, maybe we would not have pursued some issues if Mr. Armstrong hadn’t stirred the proverbial pot by continuing to lie so flagrantly and vilify us so constantly … But you have to understand, we found some very odd things during our initial investigation.  Stuff that just screamed out for further exploration.  Given what we found, there was just no way we could stop digging.”

One of the key discoveries spurring on the commission’s unorthodox and sprawling  secondary investigation was the astonishing revelation that Mr. Armstrong is, in fact, 88 years old.

“Of course I was shocked when Lance showed me his actual birth certificate,” one of Armstrong’s teammates told investigators according to the report, “but you have to understand how incredible this guy was at doping.  To this day, he doesn’t go 10 minutes without shooting something into his system or breathing some concoction though a vented face mask.  And, you gotta know that it has been years since he’s gone  twenty four hours without having all of the blood in his system replaced at least once.  I mean: I don’t know why I’m surprised the man doesn’t age … he’s a goddamn high-tech vampire.”

Whatever the secret behind Armstrong’s remarkable longevity, it was the key factor in establishing a link between the seven time Tour de France winner and the Kennedy Assassination.

“Honestly, it was only a hop-skip-and-a-jump from his age to the the Zapruder film,” confided a junior investigator working on the case, “Given the scope of the doping conspiracy as well as Mr. Armstrong’s remarkable aptitude for lying — we just started wondering what other historic coverups he might have been involved with.  From there … well,  like I said: hop, skip, jump: Kennedy Assassination.”

Armstrong on the infamous grassy knoll

Once the possibility of Armstrong’s involvement was on the table, pieces began to fall into place with remarkable speed.  Before long, evidence of a connection between Armstrong, Jack Ruby and Lee Harvey Oswald was clearly established and photographic evidence of collusion between the three emerged.  Then, armed with a warrant, the USAD performed a search of Armstrong’s home and discovered a treasure trove of evidence so compelling that Armstrong’s friends, lawyer, wife, priest and mother have all admitted his guilt.  Indeed, at the time of this article’s publication, Mr. Armstrong is widely believed to be the only person in the contiguous United States who continues to dispute the USAD’s version of events.

“The evidence is totally clear, and utterly irrefutable” stated junior investigator Ken McManus, “the only question now, really, is a matter of degree.  To my mind, this new revelation just might be even worse than the initial doping allegations.  But, of course, that’s not for me to say, and it is obviously not the official position of the USAD. I mean, from day one, the top brass here has treated the whole ‘cheating at cycling’ matter with the kind of urgent, dogged tenacity usually reserved for the prosecution of a horrific, violent crime.  I think they will continue to do so”

Indeed, a recent press release issued by the agency indicates that the commission will treat both the doping and the assassination matters with equal weight as it explores legal avenues for enforcing its findings and punishing Mr. Armstrong.

“Today’s supplemental report about events in 1963 takes no position on the relative gravity of the crimes of which Mr. Armstrong is accused.  Thus far, the commission has proceeded as if doping in a sport pervaded by doping is just as bad a crime as conspiring to kill the President of the United States.  We see no reason to change course at this time.”

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THE BINDER

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UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, REMOVES CLARENCE THOMAS FROM UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT    


(WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court today broke with four decades of prior case law and held that corporations and institutions may not take racial diversity into account in any way whatsoever when weighing admission or hiring decisions. The holding had immediate and sweeping implications for universities, business and governmental organizations throughout the country — not the least of which was the summary self-dismissal of Justice Clarence Thomas, the author of the court’s majority opinion.

“It really is unprecedented,” said Supreme Court observer Forval Harrington, “I’ve seen unwavering intellectual consistency before, but this is the first time I can think of that a Justice actually fired himself in the text of a decision.”

Indeed, Justice Thomas’ majority opinion was entirely unflinching on the topic of his own removal from the court.  “Facts are facts: at the time of my nomination I had only a modicum of judicial experience, an anemic record in terms of academic achievement, and had published nothing of note.  Further, the American Bar Association gave me the lowest qualification rating ever issued to a nominee to this august body even after being strong armed by the President of the United States.”

“I might have turned out to be a fine jurist, but that simply is not relevant. I should never have been hired, and now I have got to go.”

Writing in dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg vehemently disagreed: “Sometimes intellectual consistency can be taken too far. Who cares if race was clearly a factor in the initial decision to nominate Justice Thomas as well in a Democratic Senate’s skittishness in opposing his confirmation?  That’s old news.  In the years following  Justice Thomas’s appointment, he has proven himself to be an exceptional judicial mind and a leading light of the conservative movement.  He is also a Black man who has added much needed perspective to this court.  It is beyond absurd that our nation should lose his unique and valuable contributions over a reconsideration of the circumstances of his hiring.  This is a sad day for America.  It is a sad day for this court.  And it is a sad day for me.”

In spite of Justice Ginsburg’s passionate defense of her colleague, a four Justice majority — composed of Justices Alito, Thomas, Scalia, and Kennedy — carried the day on the issue of Justice Thomas’s dismissal.  Justice Kagan did not participate in the case, having recused herself due to prior involvement in the matter during her time as solicitor general.

For his part, Chief Justice John Roberts rejected the reasoning of both Ginsburg and Thomas, choosing to write two separate opinions in both concurrence and dissent.  “I fervently believe this case could have been disposed of with a clever reference to Congress’s Article 1 powers,”  wrote the Chief Justice in one of his two unusual opinions, “For the sake of the ongoing institutional reputation of the court, I deeply regret we have unnecessarily injected the controversial issue of race into the complex issue of affirmative action.”

Thomas Begins His Move, Unperturbed by Protestors

In the end, however, it was Justice Thomas’s own vote that proved dispositive, and if Justice Ginsburg’s emotional entreaty in dissent moved him in any way, it was not betrayed in his writing:  “The dissent’s position is simply untenable.  By ruling for the plaintiff-appellant today (and thus overruling both Bakke and Grutter), this court holds that race cannot be considered in even the most minor way in selecting potential candidates.  It may not be one factor among many.  It may not be a tie-breaker.  It may not be contemplated or noted in any way.  What kind of a hypocrite would I be to issue such an opinion without taking my own appointment into consideration?  A pretty darn big one, in the opinion of this court.  A pretty darn big one.”

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MITTMENTO

You see, he has this condition …

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After Bruising First Debate, Obama Leaves Campaign Trail, Enters Intense 80’s Training Montage

(Siberia, Russia) After a bruising defeat in the first major brawl of the political season, Barack Obama — the unlikely President who came out of nowhere to dethrone Hillary Clinton four years ago — is returning to first principles.

Leaving the White House late last night, Mr. Obama explained his departure by tersely telling the First Lady, “Look, uhh, a President’s gotta do what a President’s gotta do, Michelle.” Obama then promptly entered into the first half of an extended 80’s movie montage during which he thought long and hard about the events in his life that have  brought him to this point.

Throughout his music-laden and heartfelt journey, Obama’s ruminations repeatedly returned to retired strategist and current pundit Chris Matthews who recently excoriated him on MSNBC. Realizing that Matthews was right to lambast him, Obama slammed his hand on the dashboard as an 80s-esque hairband continued to perform their hit song “It’s Still In You (But You Have to Find It).”

Under his breath the President acknowledged the truth: “I’ve gotten soft.”

With that revelation in sharp focus, Obama shut out the noise, the fame and the naysayers and once again took control of his life the only way he knew how.  As new music began to swell, Obama gathered his advisers, announced his decision to leave the campaign trail, called Chris Matthews, and quickly entered an intensive training montage in a small shack in Siberia during the dead of winter.

Many pundits have questioned the President’s decision, but in general, they have been drowned out by the heavy guitar licks and sick vocals of John Cafferty’s “Hearts of Fire” — the music backing Barack’s amazing training regimen.

So, while Romney continues to campaign in lovely settings, comfortable halls, and at posh fundraisers — Barack Obama is compressing days of preparation into every minute on a lifeless tundra.

While Romney speaks and jokes and kisses babies — Obama is felling enormous evergreens, running up mountains, lifting cars and escaping from the remnants of the KGB while on foot.

Before all of this began, Matthews was sounding alarm bells for Obama: “I’m warning you, champ! That Romney’s an animal!!!  You’re not ready for ‘em Barry.  Not ready!”

Now it seems, Matthews believes he is.

“We’ll just see how all of this works out for both men in the rematch,” the MSNBC host said smirking as he reached up to ring an imaginary bell:  “Ding, Ding.”

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*Breaking Health News* In Wake of Presidential Debate, Millions of Republicans Seek Medical Help For Erections Lasting More Than Four Hours

(Washington, DC) Reports have been flooding in all over the country concerning an epidemic of priapism amongst Republican viewers of Wednesday night’s Presidential Debate.  The numbers are unprecedented and doctors offices are feeling the strain.

Blood Flows Here When You Think About Tax Cuts

“I didn’t even know what priapism meant til today,” said Kevin Schmidt of Provo, Utah, “All I know is that Romney kicked Obama right in the ass, I have a big ole boner about it, and it won’t go away.  So, after four hours or so, I thought I better call the doctor.  You know, cause of those warnings on the ads for Cialis.”

Indeed, the spoken warnings which end advertisements for drugs used to treat erectile dysfunction seem to have caused a bit of a rush on family doctors.  “In most cases I do think the ads point you in the right direction,” said internist Dr. Gerald Goldstein, “you should see a physician for such a long-term engorgement — especially if it’s painful.  But in this case, people probably could have just taken a deep breadth and thought about something else for a while.”

“Still, it’s not as if I’m unsympathetic. I’m a Democrat, and I had full-week-long nipple erections after hearing Mitt Romney’s comments writing off 47% of the country. But I guess I’m cured now, right?  Boy, howdy, am I cured.”

A Good Dose of Ree – Ali – T

Some physicians are not as sanguine as Dr. Goldstein about the epidemic.  Dr. Susan Davis — a psychiatrist practicing in Beverly Hill, California — thinks medical intervention, in the form of pharmaceuticals, can help:  “Look, a lot of serious conditions are caused by environment factors.  Here, Romney’s debate performance is causing the tumescence, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help.  I’ve been suggesting a good dose of Ree-Ali-T to all my Republican patients.  It’s a great new drug that really has been helping.”

One patient currently being treated with the medication agreed emphatically: “You bet. That Ree-Ali-T stuff took care of me pretty fast. I mean, a couple of doses and I started to realize that there were weeks to go and Obama still has a pretty substantial lead in the swing states. That took the wind out of the old sails pretty quick, if you get my meaning.  I’m not saying the debate wasn’t great. It was. But walking around the way I was just wasn’t seemly or sustainable.  I think we all need a dose of Ree-Ali-T from time to time.”

Some purists, however, disagree with this form of medical intervention as a matter of principle.  “No, sir,” said one GOP pundit, “I don’t like this psychiatric mumbo jumbo one little bit.  If people are ridiculously jazzed about the debate, let them be ridiculously jazzed.  That was the real Mitt Romney out there Wednesday.  Everything he said was factual, defensible and consistent; we’re gonna ride this wave straight to November 6.  Why in the heck should I calm down and get a grip?  You calm down and get a grip!  Ree-Ali-T isn’t for Republicans!  It never has been, and it never will be!  Screw Ree-Ali-T!”

Neither Mitt Romney nor President Barack Obama could be reached for comment.

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