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** ALSO IN THE NEWS **
- Citizen Special: Ask An N.R.A. Landlord
- Run Donald, Run!
- **BREAKING NEWS ** DONALD TRUMP’S HAIR-PIECE HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM “RACIST ENTREPRENEUR”
- In Rare Kumbaya Moment, Ousted Oklahoma Frat Boy and Girl’s Writer Lena Dunham Agree: Jews are “the Worst”
- For the fans of “How Did This Get Made?”
- DESPITE SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS, MOST AMERICANS REFUSE TO BELIEVE TED CRUZ HAS LAUNCHED A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN
- **DEVELOPING ** ** Apple watch’s new processor rumored to allow consumers to double the rate at which they can trade privacy for convenience **
- Citizen Week in Review: Benjamin Netanyahu Emerges to Warn of Imminent Threat of Nuclear Iran, Signaling 6 More Weeks of Winter
- **Evangelical Christian Who Believes Kingdom of Israel Must Arise To Bring About the Rapture, Forcing Jews to Choose to Between Christianity and Hell, Is Pretty Sure Democratic Senators Who Missed Netanyahu Speech Are Antisemitic **
- NATION STUNNED AS RUDY GIULIANI TRANSFORMS INTO LITERAL CARTOON OF HIMSELF ON LIVE TELEVISION
- ** DEVELOPING NEWS: Informed He is Not White, Dinesh D’souza Denounces, Kills Self**
Tag Archives: Humor
(WASHINGTON, DC) – Clarence Thomas has confirmed reports circulating today that the Supreme Court Justice had an inexplicably difficult time hailing a cab in Southeast D.C. late this afternoon. The Justice, who has held prestigious and high paying leadership positions … Continue reading
(WASHINGTON, DC) – An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a … Continue reading
With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters. While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout … Continue reading
It’s Deja Bush at the movies.
UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, REMOVES CLARENCE THOMAS FROM UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT
(WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court today broke with four decades of prior case law and held that corporations and institutions may not take racial diversity into account in any way whatsoever when weighing admission or hiring decisions. … Continue reading
(Siberia, Russia) After a bruising defeat in the first major brawl of the political season, Barack Obama — the unlikely President who came out of nowhere to dethrone Hillary Clinton four years ago — is returning to first principles. Leaving … Continue reading
*Breaking Health News* In Wake of Presidential Debate, Millions of Republicans Seek Medical Help For Erections Lasting More Than Four Hours
(Washington, DC) Reports have been flooding in all over the country concerning an epidemic of priapism amongst Republican viewers of Wednesday night’s Presidential Debate. The numbers are unprecedented and doctors offices are feeling the strain. “I didn’t even know what … Continue reading
The Citizen Schwartz entertainment division has been hard at work previewing the big fall schedule. Here’s a short list of “can’t miss” television coming up this week. BLUES CLUES: SVU (NICK – Mon. 6/5c) Cute Animated Dog “Blue” helps his … Continue reading
(SEATTLE, WA) – Normally political commentator and activist Dan Savage does not spend a lot of time worrying about the rich and powerful. However, the soft-hearted author of Savage Love today found himself needing to send a message of hope … Continue reading
(PALM BEACH, FLA) When Rush Limbaugh’s official publicist announced the conservative pundit would be hosting a nationally televised press event Monday morning, everyone knew something big was coming. But nobody knew how big. Walking up to the microphone after a … Continue reading