Category Archives: Breaking

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TEXAS DOCTORS FIND CATCH 22 – NOW PROVIDING ABORTIONS UNDER PROTECTION OF STATE STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

Practitioners Pit Broad “Self-Defense” Law Against Recent Abortion Bans By Yelling “I’m in Fear For My Life” During Procedures AUSTIN, TX (CSN) – Conservative lawmakers in Texas were flummoxed today as abortion clinics throughout the Lone Star State reopened their … Continue reading

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PROMINENT GASTROENTEROLOGIST WORRIED ANTONIN SCALIA MAY BE “DANGEROUSLY FULL OF SH*T”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CSN) – Antonin Scalia is quite accustomed to his judicial decisions and legal writings generating sharp criticism and voluminous commentary.  Indeed, colleagues and commentators alike have long suggested that the often combative Justice takes great pleasure in enraging … Continue reading

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MILLIONS REUNITED WITH FAMILIES AS FIRST SCREENINGS OF “THE HOBBIT” FINALLY BEGIN RELEASING PATRONS

(LOS ANGELES, CA) It’s been just over four months since eager early audiences sat down to the first screenings of the hotly anticipated film “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.”   Sadly and surprisingly for many, those initial audiences are only … Continue reading

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SENATOR WHO RECENTLY DISCOVERED HE HAS AN UNINSURED, CHRONICALLY ILL, IMPOVERISHED, GAY, IMMIGRANT, AFRICAN AMERICAN SON WHO WAS TRAGICALLY GUNNED DOWN AT A SCHOOL SHOOTING MAKES SUDDEN U-TURN ON SEVERAL KEY ISSUES

Senator Richard Starboard (R – Montana) announced a sudden u-turn on issues relating to health care, immigration, the social safety net, gay rights and gun control today after discovering the existence and tragic death of his son Tyrell Javier Fernando … Continue reading

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FAMILY SUES MICHELE BACHMANN AFTER FACT CHECKER’S HEAD LITERALLY EXPLODES DURING CONGRESSWOMAN’S 2013 CPAC ADDRESS

(TAMPA BAY, FL)  At a press conference held today, the attorney for the family of PolitiFact reporter Joshua Coleman formally announced that the family has decided to pursue an action for wrongful death against Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.  As has … Continue reading

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CITING WILD SUCCESS OF TACO BELL’S “DORITOS TACO LOCO,” VATICAN INTRODUCES NEW “NACHO CHEESE” AND “COOL RANCH” DORITO COMMUNION WAFERS

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican today announced a bold first step in its new plan to make the institutional Church more appealing to modern, Western Catholics — particularly those living in the United States.  That step comes in both Nacho … Continue reading

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ABOMINABLE HOUSE

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DICK MORRIS FIRED FROM E! ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION AFTER PREDICTING BIG OSCAR WIN FOR MITT ROMNEY

(LOS ANGELES, CA) Dick Morris appears to be back on the job market after the Conservative Pundit’s short stint on E! Entertainment Television came to a rather abrupt end late Wednesday evening when he predicted that former Republican Presidential Candidate … Continue reading

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Earth Celebrates as Wayne LaPierre Single-Handedly Diverts Deadly Meteor with Bushmaster Rifle, 100 Round Drum

(WASHINGTON, DC) When it was discovered late Friday afternoon that Space Rock 2012 DA14 would not miss earth as scientists earlier predicted but would, in fact, impact its surface resulting in an extinction-level event — most of the planet’s population … Continue reading

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Pope Benedict XVI Resigns In Wake of Super Bowl Lip-Synching Scandal

Pontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication (VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.”  He added, further, that “my … Continue reading

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GOP REVEALS NEW “COMPREHENSIVE” LATINO STRATEGY: PAUL RYAN NOW INTO ZUMBA

 LUNTZ ANNOUNCES MOVE TO LATIN DANCE-FITNESS AT MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE (WASHINGTON, D.C.) In recent weeks, moderate Republicans have been hard at work trying to craft a new strategy to decrease the Democratic Party’s overwhelming advantage within the American Latino community.  … Continue reading

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US Seeks International Sanctions Against Producers of “Movie 43″

CLINTON TELLS U.N. “WORLD CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE LOOMING THREAT OF A ‘MOVIE 44‘” (NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed … Continue reading

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COURT RULES DRUDGE, BREITBART OWE ESTATE OF ADOLF HITLER $57 MILLION IN BACK ROYALTIES

CASE BROUGHT BY ESTATE OF JOSEPH STALIN STILL PENDING  (MIAMI, FL) A Federal Court sitting in the Southern District of Florida today ordered Matt Drudge, The Drudge Report and the Breitbart News Group to pay the estate of Adolf Hitler … Continue reading

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Citizen Special: Ask An N.R.A. Landlord

“Broken locks don’t cause crimes, People cause crimes” Dear Unit 3: Got your messages about the busted lock on the front door.  All of them.  You don’t need to nag.  I was going to get around to it.  Christ. But … Continue reading

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NRA REFUTES NEW LABORATORY STUDY SUGGESTING THAT GUNS DO, IN FACT, KILL PEOPLE

(CHICAGO, IL)  Earlier today, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre responded to a University of Chicago clinical trial suggesting that guns do, in fact, kill people with a terse and angry rebuke.  “It’s nonsense — utter and complete nonsense,” a … Continue reading

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INAUGURATION NEWS: KARL ROVE INSISTS OBAMA RSVP RESULTS SKEWED

PROMISES GOP EVENTS WILL DWARF THE PRESIDENT’S (WASHINGTON, D.C.) With President Barack Obama’s Second Inauguration less than a week away — and over ten days filled with official celebrations fast approaching — Democrats in D.C. are buzzing with excitement about … Continue reading

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USAD REPORT PROVES LANCE ARMSTRONG KILLED JFK

* * CITIZEN FLASHBACK:  “WILL HE ADMIT IT TO OPRAH?” EDITION * * OCTOBER 18, 2012 (COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying … Continue reading

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The LaPierre Stand

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Experts Suggest New Video Game Shipping With Fully Functional Assault Rifle Might Contribute to Gun Violence

(LOS ANGELES, CA) – A new “Limited Edition” release of the monster hit video game “Call of Duty: Black Ops II” has raised lots of eyebrows — and not just within the gaming community.  While earlier releases of the Activision game … Continue reading

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Senators McConnell and Reid Arrested for Dine-and-Dash After Failing to Reach Agreement on Splitting Tab at TGI Fridays

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) were arrested early Monday evening after leaving a DC area TGI Fridays without paying a dinner and drink bill reportedly valued at $58.72.  The pair insist they … Continue reading

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