Category Archives: Breaking

The Hottest News

After Full Year of Inactivity, D.C. Coroner Designates Congress Legally Dead

In a somber press release issued earlier today, the District of Columbia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner confirmed the nation’s worst fears and announced that the once robust United States Congress is, indeed, clinically dead.  “We did not embark … Continue reading

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Peter Jackson to Direct Epic 10-Part Film Series Based on Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon”

(LOS ANGELES) Peter Jackson may still be in post-production on the final installment of his three-part, nine-hour film version of the 250 page children’s classic “The Hobbit,” but it seems the prolific director has no interest in taking a break … Continue reading

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Old Man McCain’s White House Haunting Foiled by Dog, “Meddling Kids”

(WASHINGTON, DC) –  An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a … Continue reading

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Les Miserables Coulter

 

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In Alternate Universe, Homeless Donald Trump Still a Narcissistic Douchebag

(AUBURN, MI)  Reporters getting an exclusive look through the newly developed “Alternate Universe Window” created by Dow Corning Labs today have reported that it in every universe surveyed, Donald Trump seems to be an insufferable, narcissistic douchebag — just as … Continue reading

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Mitt Romney Makes Final Pitch to Swing Voters: “I Too Am Undecided”

With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters.  While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout … Continue reading

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DÉJÀ BUSH

It’s Deja Bush at the movies.    

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ROMNESIA

In celebration of President Obama’s coining the term “ROMNESIA” today, Citizen Schwartz offers a CITIZEN FLASHBACK to the Oct 9! MITTMENTO:   Some Positions Are Best Forgotten

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LANCE ARMSTRONG SHOCKER: NEW REPORT PROVES CYCLIST ALSO KILLED JFK

(COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying and cheating throughout his celebrated career as a cyclist — he was also, beyond a shadow of … Continue reading

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UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, REMOVES CLARENCE THOMAS FROM UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT    

(WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court today broke with four decades of prior case law and held that corporations and institutions may not take racial diversity into account in any way whatsoever when weighing admission or hiring decisions. … Continue reading

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After Bruising First Debate, Obama Leaves Campaign Trail, Enters Intense 80’s Training Montage

(Siberia, Russia) After a bruising defeat in the first major brawl of the political season, Barack Obama — the unlikely President who came out of nowhere to dethrone Hillary Clinton four years ago — is returning to first principles. Leaving … Continue reading

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*Breaking Health News* In Wake of Presidential Debate, Millions of Republicans Seek Medical Help For Erections Lasting More Than Four Hours

(Washington, DC) Reports have been flooding in all over the country concerning an epidemic of priapism amongst Republican viewers of Wednesday night’s Presidential Debate.  The numbers are unprecedented and doctors offices are feeling the strain. “I didn’t even know what … Continue reading

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The Citizen Schwartz Fall TV Round Up: What Not to Miss Part 1

The Citizen Schwartz entertainment division has been hard at work previewing the big fall schedule.  Here’s a short list of “can’t miss” television coming up this week. BLUES CLUES: SVU (NICK – Mon. 6/5c) Cute Animated Dog “Blue” helps his … Continue reading

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Romney Praises New iPhone Maps Application For Excluding 47% of the Country

(CORAL GABLES, Fla.)  Before speaking at Univision’s Latino voters forum today, GOP candidate Mitt Romney found time to update his iPhone operating software to the hotly anticipated  iOS6.  “It’s great,”  Romney stated as his makeup artist applied a final coat of … Continue reading

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M. Night Shyamalan Secretly Pleased People Hate “Innocence of Muslims” More Than “Last Airbender”

(Willistown, PA)   Sources close to M. Night Shyamalan report today that the auteur filmmaker is secretly pleased that his mega-flop “The Last Air Bender” can no longer be called the most hated movie in the history of mankind given the widespread … Continue reading

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Bain Capital Acquires Romney Campaign, Replaces Candidate with Bangalore Call Center

| Posted in Politics, Humor | BOSTON, MA –  In a hastily called press conference held Monday morning, private equity giant Bain Capital announced that it has acquired a controlling interest in Romney for President, Inc. — the corporate form behind Mitt Romney’s … Continue reading

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MISSISSIPPI LEGISLATOR INSISTS NEW TYLER PERRY BASED VOTING BAN NOT RACIST

JACKSON, MS — New Mississippi legislation requiring residents to confirm they have never seen a Tyler Perry movie before being allowed to vote has come under heavy fire from civil rights groups all over the state this week.  Several days … Continue reading

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HOLOGRAM MLK TO ADDRESS REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

| Citizen Humor | The RNC Has a Dream On this day in 1963, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr delivered his historic “I Have a Dream” speech to more than 200,000 people gathered for the Civil Rights March in Washington, … Continue reading

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