Category Archives: Filter

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CITING WILD SUCCESS OF TACO BELL’S “DORITOS TACO LOCO,” VATICAN INTRODUCES NEW “NACHO CHEESE” AND “COOL RANCH” DORITO COMMUNION WAFERS

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican today announced a bold first step in its new plan to make the institutional Church more appealing to modern, Western Catholics — particularly those living in the United States.  That step comes in both Nacho … Continue reading

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ABOMINABLE HOUSE

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DICK MORRIS FIRED FROM E! ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION AFTER PREDICTING BIG OSCAR WIN FOR MITT ROMNEY

(LOS ANGELES, CA) Dick Morris appears to be back on the job market after the Conservative Pundit’s short stint on E! Entertainment Television came to a rather abrupt end late Wednesday evening when he predicted that former Republican Presidential Candidate … Continue reading

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Earth Celebrates as Wayne LaPierre Single-Handedly Diverts Deadly Meteor with Bushmaster Rifle, 100 Round Drum

(WASHINGTON, DC) When it was discovered late Friday afternoon that Space Rock 2012 DA14 would not miss earth as scientists earlier predicted but would, in fact, impact its surface resulting in an extinction-level event — most of the planet’s population … Continue reading

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Pope Benedict XVI Resigns In Wake of Super Bowl Lip-Synching Scandal

Pontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication (VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.”  He added, further, that “my … Continue reading

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GOP REVEALS NEW “COMPREHENSIVE” LATINO STRATEGY: PAUL RYAN NOW INTO ZUMBA

 LUNTZ ANNOUNCES MOVE TO LATIN DANCE-FITNESS AT MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE (WASHINGTON, D.C.) In recent weeks, moderate Republicans have been hard at work trying to craft a new strategy to decrease the Democratic Party’s overwhelming advantage within the American Latino community.  … Continue reading

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US Seeks International Sanctions Against Producers of “Movie 43″

CLINTON TELLS U.N. “WORLD CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE LOOMING THREAT OF A ‘MOVIE 44‘” (NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed … Continue reading

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NRA REFUTES NEW LABORATORY STUDY SUGGESTING THAT GUNS DO, IN FACT, KILL PEOPLE

(CHICAGO, IL)  Earlier today, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre responded to a University of Chicago clinical trial suggesting that guns do, in fact, kill people with a terse and angry rebuke.  “It’s nonsense — utter and complete nonsense,” a … Continue reading

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INAUGURATION NEWS: KARL ROVE INSISTS OBAMA RSVP RESULTS SKEWED

PROMISES GOP EVENTS WILL DWARF THE PRESIDENT’S (WASHINGTON, D.C.) With President Barack Obama’s Second Inauguration less than a week away — and over ten days filled with official celebrations fast approaching — Democrats in D.C. are buzzing with excitement about … Continue reading

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USAD REPORT PROVES LANCE ARMSTRONG KILLED JFK

* * CITIZEN FLASHBACK:  “WILL HE ADMIT IT TO OPRAH?” EDITION * * OCTOBER 18, 2012 (COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying … Continue reading

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The LaPierre Stand

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Experts Suggest New Video Game Shipping With Fully Functional Assault Rifle Might Contribute to Gun Violence

(LOS ANGELES, CA) – A new “Limited Edition” release of the monster hit video game “Call of Duty: Black Ops II” has raised lots of eyebrows — and not just within the gaming community.  While earlier releases of the Activision game … Continue reading

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Senators McConnell and Reid Arrested for Dine-and-Dash After Failing to Reach Agreement on Splitting Tab at TGI Fridays

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) were arrested early Monday evening after leaving a DC area TGI Fridays without paying a dinner and drink bill reportedly valued at $58.72.  The pair insist they … Continue reading

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Peter Jackson to Direct Epic 10-Part Film Series Based on Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon”

(LOS ANGELES) Peter Jackson may still be in post-production on the final installment of his three-part, nine-hour film version of the 250 page children’s classic “The Hobbit,” but it seems the prolific director has no interest in taking a break … Continue reading

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Old Man McCain’s White House Haunting Foiled by Dog, “Meddling Kids”

(WASHINGTON, DC) –  An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a … Continue reading

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Les Miserables Coulter

 

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In Alternate Universe, Homeless Donald Trump Still a Narcissistic Douchebag

(AUBURN, MI)  Reporters getting an exclusive look through the newly developed “Alternate Universe Window” created by Dow Corning Labs today have reported that it in every universe surveyed, Donald Trump seems to be an insufferable, narcissistic douchebag — just as … Continue reading

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MittMovies!

The Citizen is happy to announce a new home for all of your MittMovie Poster needs. So, to check out the SAY ANYTHING remake poster (starring none other than the GOP presidential candidate himself), click on the image to the … Continue reading

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Mitt Romney Makes Final Pitch to Swing Voters: “I Too Am Undecided”

With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters.  While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout … Continue reading

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DÉJÀ BUSH

It’s Deja Bush at the movies.    

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