Category Archives: Filter

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CITING WILD SUCCESS OF TACO BELL’S “DORITOS TACO LOCO,” VATICAN INTRODUCES NEW “NACHO CHEESE” AND “COOL RANCH” DORITO COMMUNION WAFERS

Posted on March 14, 2013 by The Citizen

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican today announced a bold first step in its new plan to make the institutional Church more appealing to modern, Western Catholics — particularly those living in the United States. That step comes in both Nacho … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged Catholic church, communion, Doritos, pope, pope francis | Comments Off

ABOMINABLE HOUSE

Posted on March 4, 2013 by The Citizen

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Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged Abominable House, Animal House, congress, GOP, Sequester | Comments Off

DICK MORRIS FIRED FROM E! ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION AFTER PREDICTING BIG OSCAR WIN FOR MITT ROMNEY

Posted on February 22, 2013 by The Citizen

(LOS ANGELES, CA) Dick Morris appears to be back on the job market after the Conservative Pundit’s short stint on E! Entertainment Television came to a rather abrupt end late Wednesday evening when he predicted that former Republican Presidential Candidate … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged dick morris, fox, fox news, GOP, oscars | Comments Off

Earth Celebrates as Wayne LaPierre Single-Handedly Diverts Deadly Meteor with Bushmaster Rifle, 100 Round Drum

Posted on February 17, 2013 by The Citizen

(WASHINGTON, DC) When it was discovered late Friday afternoon that Space Rock 2012 DA14 would not miss earth as scientists earlier predicted but would, in fact, impact its surface resulting in an extinction-level event — most of the planet’s population … Continue reading →

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Pope Benedict XVI Resigns In Wake of Super Bowl Lip-Synching Scandal

Posted on February 11, 2013 by The Citizen

Pontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication (VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.” He added, further, that “my … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged beyonce, lip-synching, pope, resignation, Satire | Comments Off

GOP REVEALS NEW “COMPREHENSIVE” LATINO STRATEGY: PAUL RYAN NOW INTO ZUMBA

Posted on February 7, 2013 by The Citizen

LUNTZ ANNOUNCES MOVE TO LATIN DANCE-FITNESS AT MAJOR PRESS CONFERENCE (WASHINGTON, D.C.) In recent weeks, moderate Republicans have been hard at work trying to craft a new strategy to decrease the Democratic Party’s overwhelming advantage within the American Latino community. … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged GOP, immigration, immigration reform, Luntz, paul ryan, Republicans, ryan | Comments Off

US Seeks International Sanctions Against Producers of “Movie 43″

Posted on February 2, 2013 by The Citizen

CLINTON TELLS U.N. “WORLD CANNOT LIVE UNDER THE LOOMING THREAT OF A ‘MOVIE 44‘” (NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged Clinton, movie 43, UN, United Nations | Comments Off

NRA REFUTES NEW LABORATORY STUDY SUGGESTING THAT GUNS DO, IN FACT, KILL PEOPLE

Posted on January 23, 2013 by The Citizen

(CHICAGO, IL) Earlier today, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre responded to a University of Chicago clinical trial suggesting that guns do, in fact, kill people with a terse and angry rebuke. “It’s nonsense — utter and complete nonsense,” a … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor, TOP STORIES | Tagged guns do kill people, guns don't kill people, NRA, wayne lapierre | Comments Off

INAUGURATION NEWS: KARL ROVE INSISTS OBAMA RSVP RESULTS SKEWED

Posted on January 16, 2013 by The Citizen

PROMISES GOP EVENTS WILL DWARF THE PRESIDENT’S (WASHINGTON, D.C.) With President Barack Obama’s Second Inauguration less than a week away — and over ten days filled with official celebrations fast approaching — Democrats in D.C. are buzzing with excitement about … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged inauguration, obama, poll, rove, skewed, unskewed polls | Comments Off

USAD REPORT PROVES LANCE ARMSTRONG KILLED JFK

Posted on January 14, 2013 by The Citizen

* * CITIZEN FLASHBACK: “WILL HE ADMIT IT TO OPRAH?” EDITION * * OCTOBER 18, 2012 (COLORADO SPRINGS, CO) Embattled star athlete Lance Armstrong’s reputation took another major hit today when it was revealed that — in addition to lying … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged Grassy Knoll, JFK, Lance Armstrong, oprah, steroids | Comments Off

The LaPierre Stand

Posted on January 11, 2013 by The Citizen

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Experts Suggest New Video Game Shipping With Fully Functional Assault Rifle Might Contribute to Gun Violence

Posted on January 8, 2013 by The Citizen

(LOS ANGELES, CA) – A new “Limited Edition” release of the monster hit video game “Call of Duty: Black Ops II” has raised lots of eyebrows — and not just within the gaming community. While earlier releases of the Activision game … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged Call of Duy, gun control, NRA, video games | Comments Off

Senators McConnell and Reid Arrested for Dine-and-Dash After Failing to Reach Agreement on Splitting Tab at TGI Fridays

Posted on January 1, 2013 by The Citizen

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) were arrested early Monday evening after leaving a DC area TGI Fridays without paying a dinner and drink bill reportedly valued at $58.72. The pair insist they … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged arrested, dine-and-dash, fiscal cliff, McConnell, Reid, TGI Fridays | Comments Off

Peter Jackson to Direct Epic 10-Part Film Series Based on Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon”

Posted on December 18, 2012 by The Citizen

(LOS ANGELES) Peter Jackson may still be in post-production on the final installment of his three-part, nine-hour film version of the 250 page children’s classic “The Hobbit,” but it seems the prolific director has no interest in taking a break … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged Citizen Schwartz, goodnight moon, hobbit, jackson, peter jackson, Satire | Comments Off

Old Man McCain’s White House Haunting Foiled by Dog, “Meddling Kids”

Posted on December 6, 2012 by The Citizen

(WASHINGTON, DC) – An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged benghazi, Humor, mccain, old man mccain, politics, Satire, scooby, scooby doo, susan rice | Comments Off

Les Miserables Coulter

Posted on November 15, 2012 by The Citizen

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor | Tagged ann coulter, coulter, les mis, les miserables | Comments Off

In Alternate Universe, Homeless Donald Trump Still a Narcissistic Douchebag

Posted on November 12, 2012 by The Citizen

(AUBURN, MI) Reporters getting an exclusive look through the newly developed “Alternate Universe Window” created by Dow Corning Labs today have reported that it in every universe surveyed, Donald Trump seems to be an insufferable, narcissistic douchebag — just as … Continue reading →

Posted in Also Inside, Breaking, Filter, Humor, TOP STORIES | Comments Off

MittMovies!

Posted on November 1, 2012 by The Citizen

The Citizen is happy to announce a new home for all of your MittMovie Poster needs. So, to check out the SAY ANYTHING remake poster (starring none other than the GOP presidential candidate himself), click on the image to the … Continue reading →

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Mitt Romney Makes Final Pitch to Swing Voters: “I Too Am Undecided”

Posted on October 28, 2012 by The Citizen

With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters. While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout … Continue reading →