Category Archives: Also Inside

Senators McConnell and Reid Arrested for Dine-and-Dash After Failing to Reach Agreement on Splitting Tab at TGI Fridays

Posted on January 1, 2013 by The Citizen

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) were arrested early Monday evening after leaving a DC area TGI Fridays without paying a dinner and drink bill reportedly valued at $58.72.  The pair insist they … Continue reading →

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After Full Year of Inactivity, D.C. Coroner Designates Congress Legally Dead

Posted on December 30, 2012 by The Citizen

In a somber press release issued earlier today, the District of Columbia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner confirmed the nation’s worst fears and announced that the once robust United States Congress is, indeed, clinically dead.  “We did not embark … Continue reading →

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Peter Jackson to Direct Epic 10-Part Film Series Based on Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon”

Posted on December 18, 2012 by The Citizen

(LOS ANGELES) Peter Jackson may still be in post-production on the final installment of his three-part, nine-hour film version of the 250 page children’s classic “The Hobbit,” but it seems the prolific director has no interest in taking a break … Continue reading →

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Old Man McCain’s White House Haunting Foiled by Dog, “Meddling Kids”

Posted on December 6, 2012 by The Citizen

(WASHINGTON, DC) –  An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a … Continue reading →

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Les Miserables Coulter

Posted on November 15, 2012 by The Citizen

 

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In Alternate Universe, Homeless Donald Trump Still a Narcissistic Douchebag

Posted on November 12, 2012 by The Citizen

(AUBURN, MI)  Reporters getting an exclusive look through the newly developed “Alternate Universe Window” created by Dow Corning Labs today have reported that it in every universe surveyed, Donald Trump seems to be an insufferable, narcissistic douchebag — just as … Continue reading →

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Mitt Romney Makes Final Pitch to Swing Voters: “I Too Am Undecided”

Posted on October 28, 2012 by The Citizen

With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters.  While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout … Continue reading →

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After Bruising First Debate, Obama Leaves Campaign Trail, Enters Intense 80’s Training Montage

Posted on October 5, 2012 by The Citizen

(Siberia, Russia) After a bruising defeat in the first major brawl of the political season, Barack Obama — the unlikely President who came out of nowhere to dethrone Hillary Clinton four years ago — is returning to first principles. Leaving … Continue reading →

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*Breaking Health News* In Wake of Presidential Debate, Millions of Republicans Seek Medical Help For Erections Lasting More Than Four Hours

Posted on October 5, 2012 by The Citizen

(Washington, DC) Reports have been flooding in all over the country concerning an epidemic of priapism amongst Republican viewers of Wednesday night’s Presidential Debate.  The numbers are unprecedented and doctors offices are feeling the strain. “I didn’t even know what … Continue reading →

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A Concerned Dan Savage Tells Mitt Romney “It Gets Better” In Moving New Video

Posted on September 28, 2012 by The Citizen

(SEATTLE, WA) – Normally political commentator and activist Dan Savage does not spend a lot of time worrying about the rich and powerful.  However, the soft-hearted author of Savage Love today found himself needing to send a message of hope … Continue reading →

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Nation Reels as Rush Limbaugh Revealed to Be 30 Year Long Andy Kaufman Prank

Posted on September 26, 2012 by The Citizen

(PALM BEACH, FLA) When Rush Limbaugh’s official publicist announced the conservative pundit would be hosting a nationally televised press event Monday morning, everyone knew something big was coming.  But nobody knew how big. Walking up to the microphone after a … Continue reading →

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Showrunner JJ Abrams Promises Inexplicable Inconsistencies, Glaring Logic Problems Will All Be Explained in Satisfying Series Finale to “Romney”

Posted on September 18, 2012 by The Citizen

Fans of JJ Abrams, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse probably feel like they’ve been here before: characters that don’t make sense, numbers that don’t add up, inexplicable mismatches between the past and the present — it’s all so familiar. “Yeah, … Continue reading →

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M. Night Shyamalan Secretly Pleased People Hate “Innocence of Muslims” More Than “Last Airbender”

Posted on September 13, 2012 by The Citizen

(Willistown, PA)   Sources close to M. Night Shyamalan report today that the auteur filmmaker is secretly pleased that his mega-flop “The Last Air Bender” can no longer be called the most hated movie in the history of mankind given the widespread … Continue reading →

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Bain Capital Acquires Romney Campaign, Replaces Candidate with Bangalore Call Center

Posted on September 11, 2012 by The Citizen

| Posted in Politics, Humor | BOSTON, MA –  In a hastily called press conference held Monday morning, private equity giant Bain Capital announced that it has acquired a controlling interest in Romney for President, Inc. — the corporate form behind Mitt Romney’s … Continue reading →

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MISSISSIPPI LEGISLATOR INSISTS NEW TYLER PERRY BASED VOTING BAN NOT RACIST

Posted on September 7, 2012 by The Citizen

JACKSON, MS — New Mississippi legislation requiring residents to confirm they have never seen a Tyler Perry movie before being allowed to vote has come under heavy fire from civil rights groups all over the state this week.  Several days … Continue reading →

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Banking Bad: Mitt Romney, Walter White, and the $100 Million Question

Posted on September 6, 2012 by The Citizen

 | From the Desk of the Serious Citizen|    The Following is a Rare Serious Piece Offered by the Citizen for Your Consideration.  It is not, in any way, satirical.  Thus, it bares the stamp “From the Desk of the Serious … Continue reading →

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HOLOGRAM MLK TO ADDRESS REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

Posted on August 28, 2012 by The Citizen

| Citizen Humor | The RNC Has a Dream On this day in 1963, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr delivered his historic “I Have a Dream” speech to more than 200,000 people gathered for the Civil Rights March in Washington, … Continue reading →

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