Category Archives: TOP STORIES

Top Stories – Must Read News

TEXAS DOCTORS FIND CATCH 22 – NOW PROVIDING ABORTIONS UNDER PROTECTION OF STATE STAND YOUR GROUND LAW

Posted on July 16, 2013 by The Citizen

Practitioners Pit Broad “Self-Defense” Law Against Recent Abortion Bans By Yelling “I’m in Fear For My Life” During Procedures AUSTIN, TX (CSN) – Conservative lawmakers in Texas were flummoxed today as abortion clinics throughout the Lone Star State reopened their … Continue reading →

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PROMINENT GASTROENTEROLOGIST WORRIED ANTONIN SCALIA MAY BE “DANGEROUSLY FULL OF SH*T”

Posted on July 7, 2013 by The Citizen

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CSN) – Antonin Scalia is quite accustomed to his judicial decisions and legal writings generating sharp criticism and voluminous commentary.  Indeed, colleagues and commentators alike have long suggested that the often combative Justice takes great pleasure in enraging … Continue reading →

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FAMILY SUES MICHELE BACHMANN AFTER FACT CHECKER’S HEAD LITERALLY EXPLODES DURING CONGRESSWOMAN’S 2013 CPAC ADDRESS

Posted on March 24, 2013 by The Citizen

(TAMPA BAY, FL)  At a press conference held today, the attorney for the family of PolitiFact reporter Joshua Coleman formally announced that the family has decided to pursue an action for wrongful death against Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.  As has … Continue reading →

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NRA REFUTES NEW LABORATORY STUDY SUGGESTING THAT GUNS DO, IN FACT, KILL PEOPLE

Posted on January 23, 2013 by The Citizen

(CHICAGO, IL)  Earlier today, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre responded to a University of Chicago clinical trial suggesting that guns do, in fact, kill people with a terse and angry rebuke.  “It’s nonsense — utter and complete nonsense,” a … Continue reading →

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After Full Year of Inactivity, D.C. Coroner Designates Congress Legally Dead

Posted on December 30, 2012 by The Citizen

In a somber press release issued earlier today, the District of Columbia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner confirmed the nation’s worst fears and announced that the once robust United States Congress is, indeed, clinically dead.  “We did not embark … Continue reading →

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In Alternate Universe, Homeless Donald Trump Still a Narcissistic Douchebag

Posted on November 12, 2012 by The Citizen

(AUBURN, MI)  Reporters getting an exclusive look through the newly developed “Alternate Universe Window” created by Dow Corning Labs today have reported that it in every universe surveyed, Donald Trump seems to be an insufferable, narcissistic douchebag — just as … Continue reading →

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UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, REMOVES CLARENCE THOMAS FROM UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT    

Posted on October 14, 2012 by The Citizen

(WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court today broke with four decades of prior case law and held that corporations and institutions may not take racial diversity into account in any way whatsoever when weighing admission or hiring decisions. … Continue reading →

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