A Feisty Father Christmas Tried to Assure the World that "On Balance" His Program "Has Always Been in the Best Interest of Good Children Everywhere."

A Fiery Father Christmas Tried to Assure the World that “On Balance” His Program
“Has Always Been in the Best Interest of Good Children Everywhere.”

Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle

(North Pole) –  Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else.  “Ho, ho, ho,” Santa told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer late Tuesday afternoon, “I also bring heightened security.  It’s my responsibility in a post-9/11 world.  I need to do what I can.  Ho. Ho. Ho.”

Asked for clarification, the Jolly Mr. Claus admitted that he had allowed his significant fact-gathering apparatus to be put to work for the U.S. National Security Agency and had, in fact, provided that organization with his an un-redacted copy of his previously sacrosanct list of all the children in the world sorted by their status as being either “naughty” or “nice” during the previous calendar year. “At least he’s finally admitting it,” sniped an angry Guardian journalist Glenn Greenwald — also a guest on Blitzer’s telecast.  “I mean, this jocular admission comes after months of slandering both Mr. Elf and Mr. The Snowman.”

Indeed, former Claus employees Julian Elf and Edward T. Snowman have been urging and examination of Santa’s practices for months after the pair left work, leaking a treasure-trove of communications between Santa’s North Pole data collection outfit and various US intelligence agencies.  However, until now Santa had been reticent to discuss the matter claiming that both Elf and Snowman were in violation of contract and North Pole law in discussing anything having to do with the list. He had further suggested that while information about the letters might have been shared, the content was never seen by NSA agents.  This has since been proven not to be the case.

“Look” a suddenly animated Mr. The Snowman announced as Mr. Greenwald placed an old silk hat upon his head.  “I may have been magically born yesterday but even I know that if you give people free access to personal information, they’ll take a look.  It’s just human nature.   There must be checks and balances.  I’ll melt before I accept anything less.”

Greenwald himself was not only indignant concerning the privacy issues raised by the NSA’s access to Santa’s list; he found the Security Agency’s desire to access the information in-and-of-itself troubling.  “This list is useless as a national security matter.  I mean, every Jewish, Muslim or otherwise non-Christian child is listed as being naughty here!  How can that help!?  I myself am listed as ‘naughty’ twice, once for my lack of belief and once for being ‘strident’ and ‘uncompromising.’   So what if I am?  Did you break any stories that have made the country better this year, Mr. Claus?   F**k that.  I have every right to get a present.”

While the usually Jolly Saint Nick showed flashes of anger and refused to acknowledge that any mistakes have been made in developing the current policy, he did seem to admit that his practices must be examined going forward. “Ho, ho, ho,” Santa concluded, gathering himself after losing his cool for a moment, “I might have to reevaluate the situation next year now that all this information has come to light in such an unfortunate, incomplete way.  These leaks were just terrible and have and undermined the world community’s sense that we are closely adhering to the spirit of Christmas here.  If some adjustments need to be made in light of discloses, they will be; my first goal is that all have a merry christmas.  Ho, ho, however: security matters too, and I assure you that, on balance this program has always been in the best interest of good children everywhere.”

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Bill Kristol, Ann Coulter Find Huge Cache of WMD in Iraq, Finally Feel Qualified to Speak on Middle East Again

AnnBillWMD“I Mean No One In Their Right Mind Would Listen to What We Have To Say About Foreign Policy Before This” States Pundit Kristol

(Citizen News – Basra, Iraq)  Iraqi authorities evacuated and quarantined a ten mile area just outside Basra today after Bill Kristol and Anne Coulter uncovered an enormous cache of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons in the region.  The clearly labeled munitions were easily identifiable as being a stockpile left over from the reign of President Saddam Hussein. The Bathe party leader was removed from power by allied forces known as “The Coalition of the Willing” in August of 2009.

Until now, the Iraq war was considered a “black mark” on the record prognosticators like Bill Kristol and Ann Coulter who repeatedly voiced their certainty that WMD would be found in Iraq and were harshly critical of any who expressed even the smallest doubt on the matter — referring to them variously as “appeasers,” “idiots,” “terrorist sympathizers,” and “un-American Liberal fools.”

Of course, when no weapons were found in the wake of the American invasion, and the Iraq war became a quagmire costing America significantly in blood and treasure — pundits like Kristol and Coulter did the only thing they could: expressed their sorrow and left the public scene.

“Of course I couldn’t return to journalism, let alone television,” Kristol explained standing before the newly discovered stockpile.  “I had been so horribly, stridently wrong about so many critical things, I couldn’t even listen to myself — let alone ask anyone else to believe a word I had to say.  I mean, I’m the guy who said that it was just ‘pop psychology’ that Sunni’s and Shia’s might not get along.”

Indeed, for the last decade, news programs and periodicals across the political spectrum have been unwilling to credit or give a platform to pundits like Coulter and Kristol — at least in the area of foreign policy and military interventionism.

“Today’s find is a major boon to me,” stated This Week’s host George Stephanopoulos, “I mean both Ann and Bill are such lovely, humble people and I can’t wait to have them back on my show.  But before this find, they were just too utterly ashamed to appear on TV and discuss foreign policy.  I mean — after looking so foolish who could blame them.”

“It’s not like I could have them on either; there are journalistic standards that come into play no matter how much you personally like a potential guest.”  Shaking his head, Stephanopolous concluded, “I didn’t think Ann would ever get past the fact that she called the Iraq war a ‘magnificent success’ even late in the game.  But this goes a long way into rehabilitating this pair.”

Coulter, for her part, is not quite ready to return to the public scene.  “Bill and I still have a lot of work left to do before our credibility is fully restored.  We’ll work hard but we have to prove to ourselves that our opinions are worth listening to.  The last thing either of us would do is just ‘go out there half-cocked’ and act like we know what we’re talking about.”

Coulter and Kristol’s next stop is Antarctica where they intend to study ice core samples in order to prove to “themselves and the world” that they have been right about global warming all along.

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Sen. Ted Cruz Vows Not To Raise Nation’s Debt Ceiling Until Union Admits To Losing Civil War

Cruz Control jpeg

Referring to the Confederacy as a “wonderful friend to America” and a “key ally in the war on terror,” Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) seemed unperturbed by the Confederate Flags flying at Ted Cruz’s recent rally.

WASHINGTON, DC  (CSN) Republican Sen. Ted Cruz vowed early Monday that he would seek to stop any legislation raising the nation’s debt ceiling unless and until President Obama “in his role as the current, if illegitimate, head of the Union” presented the Junior Senator from Texas with papers “announcing the North’s immediate and unconditional surrender to the Confederacy.” Such documentation, the Senator argued would simply acknowledge “at long last” that the South “clearly and decisively” won the Civil War. Senator Cruz’s statement came at a time of already high tension in Washington as the nation entered its second week of a government shutdown forced by a committed cadre of House Republicans seeking to defund the Affordable Care Act.

Senator Cruz considers himself the spiritual father of the Tea Party lead shutdown and is unapologetic about the issue.  Indeed, his only regret seems to be not going further, faster.  “The truth is, we were aiming to low,” Cruz told Fox New’s Sean Hannity in an interview after his press conference. “We’re gonna win this thing … this shutdown thing … and we’re gonna go on to win on the debt ceiling. So I say: aim high, win big. And for me that means finally getting all this nonsense about the War Between The States settled once and for all.”

White House Spokesman Jay Carney was visibly flustered this afternoon when informed of Senator Cruz’s remarks during his regular press conference. “Let me say this one more time,” Carney said after a long moments pause, “the President has no intention of bargaining around the debt ceiling.”

“Furthermore, while I have not asked the President directly, I am fairly certain that this Administration has no intention of renegotiating General Lee’s surrender at Appomattox at the present time.”

Although several moderate voices in the Republican party — including Senators Susan Collins of Maine and John McCain of Arizona  — have spoken out against Senator Cruz’s goals and strategy, John Boehner (R-Ohio) appears to be conflicted on the matter.  Though originally expressing skepticism about the Texas Senator’s position, the House Majority Leader seemed to “walk back” his stance after an hour long meeting with members of the House Tea Party Caucus earlier this afternoon.

“Look,” Boehner stated to a gaggle of reporters upon leaving the meeting, “nobody wants to be here.  You don’t.  I don’t.  I certainly don’t want to risk the full faith and credit of the United States while arguing about who really won the Civil War. It’s not an ideal time or an ideal topic in my opinion.  However, after speaking with my members, they decided that this is the time to deal with this issue.  We’re just talking about people of good faith asking to sit down and talk.  That’s it.”

“I don’t know where we go from here.  But I’ll tell you one thing I know:  it is painfully obvious to everyone who is being unreasonable here.  We’re just asking for a conversation.  It’s the President who is saying that just talking about a possible surrender by the North is out of the question. Since when is being unwilling to negotiate the sane position? I think the good people of America know full well who is putting them at risk over silly goddamn games.”

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In an alternate universe, BREAKING BAD was an ’80’s Sensation …

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Trial of Farkus - Header Graphic

Evidence Suggests Ralphie Was Straddling, Striking Defendant When Farkus Shot Out Boy’s Eye, Brains

Farkus all smiles after verdict

Farkus all smiles after verdict

HOHMAN, Ind.  —  Scut Farkus, the so-called “yellow-eyed bully” accused of murdering Ralphie Parker, was found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter Thursday afternoon.

The verdict marks the end of a legal saga which had gripped the country since last December when the tragedy was first reported in the national press, and televisions across the nation were filled with little else but the story of little Ralphie Parker throughout the holiday season.

At the time of those initial reports, the incident was widely thought to be a clear cut murder case — a fight provoked by a bully which ended in the tragic, inexplicable shooting death of his victim, Ralphie Parker, a boy who was just trying to walk home.

Young Ralphie Parker

Young Ralphie Parker

As the prosecution put it: “Farkus had been following Ralphie all over town, making him feel unwelcome and uneasy in his own neighborhood;  all Ralphie wanted to do was get to get to his house unmolested.”

Further supporting the impression that Farkus provoked an altercation with Ralphie was the widely reported fact that the older boy had been asked to break off his pursuit of young Parker.

Critically, a video emerged at trial that confirmed much of Farkus’ Christmas Story


Double Dummy Shot

Mark O’Mara reprises his now famous “Dummy Presentation”

“Let’s make no mistake here,” the Prosecutor told the Jury in his closing argument, “the authorities — both teachers and parents — had sternly told Scut Farkus he should not continue to follow Ralphie around like this. Scut Farkus did anyway.  That’s what started this tragic fight which ended in the unnecessary death of a young boy.”

Farkus’ Defense team, however, was quick to point out that there was no evidence that Farkus had ever physically assaulted Ralphie beyond the rather innocuous act of having his toadie, Grover Dill, throw a snow ball at him once or twice.

Greatly bolstering the defense case was the testimony of multiple eyewitnesses indicating that Farkus did not throw the first punch.  Rather, witnesses stated, it was Ralphie who charged Farkus, throwing him to the ground, straddling his prone body and beating him about the head and shoulders while Farkus cried out for help.

Farkus injuries and expert double

Dr. Vincent DiMaio explains that Farkus’ wounds justified use of deadly force

“Honestly, I feel bad saying this cause Ralphie was my best friend,” Flick Green testified, “but it was like he snapped. I know him real well and, like, the look in his eyes … it was so intense … it was almost as if I could hear his internal monologue … and it was like he was saying stuff about a ‘red hot flame’ in his brain and his ‘fuse blowing’ and that … like … he was ‘totally out of his skull.’”

“And then he just launched himself at Scut and started wailing on him. You should have heard the words he said while he was hitting him!  Just wow!  I had never heard words like that … ”

At this point in his testimony, Flick trailed off, and the court fell silent.  Clearly fighting off emotion, the boy then took a sip of water and wiped welling tears from his eyes.  “Anyway,” he concluded, “that was when Scut pulled out the gun and shot Ralphie dead.  Just bam.  Dead.  He was gone.  So, you know, that was a lot worse.  You know.  Than the cursing.”

Ralphie's body after police had completed initial evidence sweep  (click to enlarge)

Ralphie’s Body After Initial Hohman PD Evidence Sweep

The defense team, it should be noted, never minimized the loss to the family, stating that the entire event was an “enormous tragedy.”  Still, the verdict came as the second big win in as many weeks for the Defense team of Don West and Mark O’Mara, who flew to Indiana to represent Farkus at the conclusion of the trial of George Zimmerman.

“To be honest we wouldn’t normally take another murder trial so soon after a big case like that,” stated Don West, “however, the facts here were nearly identical to those presented in George’s case so we were totally confident we could take it on. The only real difference here is that there is an embarrassment of evidence that Ralphie was the physical aggressor and that he was on top of Scut when — obviously in fear of great bodily harm — he pulled his gun.”

“I mean, in George’s case we had vague witness accounts and a few of George’s friends saying it was his voice crying out for help on those 911 tapes.  Here we have eye witnesses and actual video.”

Don West Shows Jury How Terrifying, "Suspicious" Ralphie Could Be

Don West Shows Jury How Terrifying, “Suspicious” Ralphie Could Be

Pressed on the issue of whether or not the cases were truly identical in all other regards, Farkus’ other attorney Mark O’Mara admitted there was another major — but non-substantive — difference: “Well, this was a little white boy who died.  But obviously, that can’t and would never change the outcome.  I wouldn’t want to live in a world where it was okay to shoot a black kid dead if you got in a fight with him but it wasn’t okay to shoot a white one.  Would you?”

One notable media outlet has surprised many by seeming to be in full agreement with the defense in this case.  Almost every Fox News personality has expressed with remarkable intensity that Ralphie Parker’s killer must go free; any other verdict, they suggest, would undermine the credibility of the courts and make a mockery of the notion that criminal justice in the United States is dispensed without regard to race.

“We believe in Stand Your Ground here at Fox News,” Bill O’Reilly told listeners on Tuesday night, “And you can’t look at that footage of Ralphie Parker and think ‘oh: people get in fights, especially kids.’”

“This kid was a punk … and I will not tolerate any of this nonsense about this just being some sort of ‘coming of age’ moment for a child standing up to a bully!  What happened that day could have been avoided.  But not by Scut Farkus or Grover Dill.”

O’Reilly then turned to discussing what he sees as the growing problems with white, middle-class values and how they have created a culture of violence that threatens the very fabric of America.

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Practitioners Pit Broad “Self-Defense” Law Against Recent Abortion Bans By Yelling “I’m in Fear For My Life” During Procedures

Torn Between Right to Kill and Right to Life

Right Confused

AUSTIN, TX (CSN) – Conservative lawmakers in Texas were flummoxed today as abortion clinics throughout the Lone Star State reopened their doors, claiming to operate under the complete protection of the state’s broad and controversial Stand Your Ground Law.

“Just so you understand,” Dr. Bradford Jenkins cautioned reporters at a press conference early Tuesday morning, “it is not the opinion of any physician involved that there’s a child at issue in an early-term pregnancy termination.  Medically, that’s absurd … we’re just talking about a clusters of cells.”

“However, Texas Doctors have to operate within the legal framework given to us by the Texas legislature … and much of the law coming out of Austin seems to be predicated on the notion that a blastocyst is a child.”

“So, when we learned this weekend that in states with a Stand Your Ground law, it’s actually completely legal to kill a child so long as you holler ‘I’m in fear for my life’ . . . ?   Well, several of us got an idea and contacted our attorneys to discuss it.”

Not all of the lawyers contacted were immediately receptive to the Doctor’s idea.  But most eventually came around to the physicians’ point of view.

“To be honest, my first reaction was: these doctors are mad … this notion is utterly f*cking crazy,” stated Bernie S. Truman — lead attorney for the Lone Star State Alliance of Coordinated Physicians.  “But then I realized that’s precisely why the idea is such a  perfect strategy for the state of Texas.”

“In essence,” the lawyer continued, “as I read state law after Zimmerman (which applied Florida legislation almost identical to the provisions we have here in Texas) — all you need to do is assert strongly that you feel threatened while holding a gun and you can do pretty much whatever your heart desires — including, amongst other things, killing an innocent child.  That being the case, I thought, ‘why not give it a whirl?'”

With this in mind, Truman developed the protocol now in use by doctors throughout the state.  The regime’s guidelines recommend that physicians, nurses, and pharmacists alike “clearly and loudly indicate that they are in fear of great bodily harm from the fertilized egg or embryonic cell mass” while terminating a pregnancy or providing a patient or customer with the morning after pill or even hormonal birth control.

“Better safe than sorry, I always say,” Truman stated with a shoulder-shrug before adding, “Of course, I’m also telling all members of the association to carry a firearm with them at all times in order to guarantee that Stand Your ground and other rights and protections apply to them around the clock and without fail.  Honestly, you’d be surprised at how many privileges of citizenship in Texas attach only to those packing heat.”

Governor Rick Perry, for his part, has indicated that the doctors’ new coordinated strategy has caused him a great deal of introspection.  “Frankly, I’m not so sure I’m still 100% against abortion,” the staunch gun rights advocate admitted, “ I mean, any gun carrying citizen clearly has the right to stand their ground and kill a child if they feel like its necessary at any point.  I believe that with all of my heart.  I also believe passionately that a child exists in the womb from the moment of conception.  So maybe the doctors here are really onto something …  Anyway, I figure I really ought to give this one a long sit-and-think before issuing an official statement.”

“I don’t mind admitting to you, however, that I’m right confused on the matter just at the moment.”  •



Click Image to Enlarge

Click Image to Enlarge

WASHINGTON, D.C. (CSN) – Antonin Scalia is quite accustomed to his judicial decisions and legal writings generating sharp criticism and voluminous commentary.  Indeed, colleagues and commentators alike have long suggested that the often combative Justice takes great pleasure in enraging his detractors and brushing off their complaints with a sharply worded barb and self-satisfied chuckle.

One medical expert, however, has a message for the Justice that appears to be no laughing matter.

“I’m more than concerned; I’m deeply worried,”  Dr. Benjamin D. Leadbetter told Piers Morgan on CNN Thursday night, “Quite simply the Justice’s recent writings and pronouncements from the bench clearly indicate that he that he is dangerously and alarmingly full of sh*t.”

Dr. Leadbetter, the current President of the Association of American Gastroenterologists, insisted he was speaking neither colloquially nor without due consideration.

“This is a medical matter of tremendous moment.  Bowel obstructions, Intestinal Volvulus, Paralytic Ileus and other conditions that result in being perilously full of sh*t are not to be taken lightly.  I would not have come forward at this time if the evidence weren’t so compelling and the implications so distressing.  Simply put, I felt I had to try to reach out to the Justice before it was too late.”

Indeed, Leadbetter indicated that he had been concerned about Scalia for many years but had refrained for public comment, assuming that the Justice must be under the care of competent physicians who would take care of the problem.

“Look, anyone who claims to be an ‘Originalist’ in reading the constitution has got to be red-flagged as a possible bowel obstruction case,” the Doctor stated.  “You simply can’t pretend to interpret a document like the constitution based upon such an inflexible and simplistic philosophy without being just a little bit full of sh*t, medically speaking.”

“However, that level of BFS (or Being Full of Sh*t) symptomatology certainly wasn’t sufficient to merit intervention on my part.”

Asked what turned the tide and convinced the Doctor to publicly reach out to the Justice with his concerns,  Leadbetter pointed to recent statements Scalia has made from the bench in combination with his vote to invalidate section four of the Voting Rights Act and his vituperative dissent in US v. Windsor (the case in which a majority of the court found DOMA unconstitutional).

“I think things really started to turn a corner for me during oral argument on the Voting Rights Act when Scalia announced that the court might have step in and overturn the law because it constituted a ‘racial entitlement’ with which Congress and ‘the normal political process’ were incompetent to deal.  I mean, here’s Antonin ‘Judicial Restraint’ Scalia proclaiming a novel theory concerning a whole newly designated class of laws that demand judicial intervention simply because he’s decided they are just too tricky for elected representatives!”

A Diagram from Dr. Leadbetter's Sh*tty Presentation

A Diagram from Dr. Leadbetter’s Sh*tty Presentation

“And keep in mind,” the Doctor continued, “he’s an ‘Originalist,’ …  So surely he pointed to a specific Constitutional clause or amendment that was specifically adopted in order to grant the courts such extraordinary powers to overturn laws in this area, right?  Right?!”

“Of course he did not.  Because he is incredibly, dangerously and almost inconceivably full of shi*t.  I honestly do not know how the man is still walking around.”

At this point in the interview, a pensive and grave Piers Morgan pointed out to the Doctor that it had been many months since the Justice made the ‘racial entitlements’ comment from the bench.  “Why the wait?” he inquired.

Leadbetter responded that, though he had been deeply concerned at the time of the statements, he still wasn’t certain that it was time to take the extraordinary step of speaking out in a professional capacity, particularly given his position as the President of the Association of American Gastroenterologists.

“Again, I had to assume that Scalia had physicians of his own and any position I take in public reflects upon the AAG as a whole. You have to understand, Gastroenterologists in general are a cautious breed, and I would never speak out in such a public forum without first addressing my concerns to the association’s board and having a vote on the matter.”

The Doctor was finally persuaded to do just that when he read the Justice’s dissent in the DOMA case after learning that Scalia did, indeed, vote to invalidate the Voting Rights Act.

“Trust me, at that point my differential diagnosis was complete.  I’d say it was textbook presentation of acute BFS, but Scalia’s symptoms suggest a level of Being Full of Sh*t that goes far, far beyond any textbook case I’ve ever seen.”

“So, feeling I had no choice at that point, I called an emergency board meeting and  presented my case.  I discussed my diagnosis generally and, in specific, Scalia’s stand on the Voting Rights Act and DOMA.  I then read aloud the passages from the Windsor dissent in which the Justice accused the majority of a ‘jaw-dropping … assertion of judicial supremacy over the people’s Representatives’ as the Court simply has ‘no power under the Constitution to invalidate … democratically adopted legislation.’”

Apparently that reading did the trick.

“Frankly, I’ve never seen so many physicians agree on a differential diagnosis in my life.  It was unanimous: Totally, Utterly, Acutely and Unquestionably Full of Sh*t.  Furthermore, everyone in the room was in full agreement that Scalia must be told he is obviously and dangerously Full of Sh*t as soon and as often as possible.”

“So, here I am, reaching out to Justice Scalia on CNN.  I only hope he hears this warning and takes it to heart.”

In closing the interview, Morgan and Leadbetter discussed the outlook for Justice Scalia given the consensus judgement of the Gastroenterological community.  The Doctor explained that numerous treatment alternatives were possible and the prognosis was likely good, though he could not say for sure whether the Justice’s BFS was causing his bizarre judicial hypocrisy or rather his bizarre judicial antics were somehow resulting in a heretofore unknown variant of Intestinal Volvulus or Paralytic Ileus.

“In any event, and regardless of causation,” the Doctor concluded, “a person as Full of Sh*t as Antonin Scalia should almost certainly be in a hospital.  Or at the very least in a low-stress environment where he can be monitored and begin to get proper care.”

“I don’t know what his current doctors are thinking, but if you ask me for my medical opinion, I’d tell you this:  the last place on Earth that I would hope to find a person that Full of Sh*t is sitting on the Supreme Court of the United States.”

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Hobbit Out(LOS ANGELES, CA) It’s been just over four months since eager early audiences sat down to the first screenings of the hotly anticipated film “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.”   Sadly and surprisingly for many, those initial audiences are only just now returning to their homes.

“I knew it wasn’t short,” said John Oswald — an exhausted, scraggly and teary-eyed thirty-something.  “I mean I’m a huge fan, and I read all the advance stories that said the movie ran long.  But, you can’t be prepared for how long this thing really is.  I mean, it just kept going It was like some kind of horrible nightmare.  Honestly, I’m having a little trouble remembering where I live and what my children look like.”

Pausing for a moment, Oswald became agitated and added, “Oh my god, my job! I’ve lost my f****ing job!” before running off in the direction of his car.

Oswald is anything but alone amongst Hobbit viewers in terms of his disorientation and overall delicate emotional state.  Almost every person exposed to The Hobbit has  reported some level of emotional distress and psychological unease.  Indeed, in the next few months, experts say the citizens of the world should expect to see millions more dazed and confused patrons returning home as more and more screenings of the Hobbit let out across the globe.

“These people will be desperately in need of care and help in coming to grips with the time they have lost while watching this interminable film,” stated noted Psychiatrist Edvard Grüber.  “Of course, they will need the love of their families and friends in this difficult time, but just as important, they will need a very specific kind of medical care. No one can deal with this kind of torment without real, focused psychiatric intervention”

Indeed, as a result of the flood of cases he has seen since the Hobbit’s first audience release date, Dr. Grüber has urged that a new category of psychiatric illness be recognized and added to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

“The recognition of PJSD (or Peter Jackson Sufferance Disorder) would be an important first step in organizing and normalizing treatment of these lost souls.  It could also be a critical step in educating the public about the dangers of going to future films in this series or, dare I even mention it, buying a dvd or blu-ray of this film.”

As the doctor’s words suggest, and despite the psychiatric communities best efforts, the 620 disc box set of “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” has, indeed, already been released.  The film is also available streaming via Amazon or the iTunes store both of which have upped their regular 24 hour rental period to 6 and a half months to accommodate the movie’s release.

“I know people are big fans of movies like this,” Dr. Grüber concluded, “but I beg you to think long and hard before starting this film.  No matter what you’ve heard, it is much, much, much longer than you think.”

Peter Jackson could not be reached for comment at the time of this article’s publication.



Senators SonSenator Richard Starboard (R – Montana) announced a sudden u-turn on issues relating to health care, immigration, the social safety net, gay rights and gun control today after discovering the existence and tragic death of his son Tyrell Javier Fernando Starboard-Lee.  “I had no idea I had a son whose life and death so challenged my hard-hearted, doctrinaire views on so many issues,” Senator Starboard told the women of the ABC show The View Thursday morning. “Had I known I was actually related to someone who was affected by my unfeeling, judgmental and unyielding world view, I would never have developed it in the first place.”

During his 30 minute interview on the daytime talk program, the Senator indicated that he was shocked to learn that his first wife was multiracial, in the United States illegally, and had given birth to his son 9 months after their divorce.  “I had no idea I had an immigrant, multiracial son teaching school in Florida; had I known that I would have really rethought so many things, including my position on teachers unions, by the way.”

Friends report that Tyrell Javier suffered a long battle with chronic respiratory and blood clotting diseases and spent most, if not all, of his money on medical care as his job as a substitute teacher provided him no health insurance.  Tragically, the Senator’s son was gunned down in a school shooting last week by a man with an assault rifle using an extended clip.

“It’s really amazing,” Senator Starboard told Barbara Walters, “I mean, the recap you guys did at the start of the show made me realize there’s at least two or three other legislative areas I have to change my mind on when I get back to the office.  It’s really just been a very hard time.”

In the end, however, the Senator was able to take some small solace in the sad revelations about his formerly unknown son.

“All I can say is, ‘thank goodness he was a boy!’” the Senator concluded with a shiver, “I don’t even want to think about how many positions I’d have to change if it turned out I was closely related to a woman.”



Bachman Head Explosion(TAMPA BAY, FL)  At a press conference held today, the attorney for the family of PolitiFact reporter Joshua Coleman formally announced that the family has decided to pursue an action for wrongful death against Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.  As has been widely reported, Mr. Coleman’s head exploded last Saturday afternoon while the reporter attempted to take notes on Bachmann’s address at the 2013 CPAC Conference.

“The sad fact is that Mr. Coleman thought he was prepared,” stated attorney Irwin Fitzpatrick, “He had trained for weeks since drawing the CPAC assignment and believed strongly that he was at the top of his fact checking game.  But what I will prove in a court of law is that no one — and I mean no one — could be prepared for the onslaught unleashed by Michele Bachmann in recent weeks.  And certainly not the tidal wave she let loose on the stage last Saturday afternoon.”

With that preamble, Fitzpatrick yielded the stage to Coleman’s coworker Jessica Ramos who witnessed the actual event.  “It was just horrible,” the clearly shaken young reporter stated from the podium,  “It happened fast but not all at once.  I could tell trouble was developing when I looked over from my desk and saw how fast Josh was taking notes; it was almost unnatural. I looked up and saw Bachmann was on his screen but couldn’t hear what she was saying because Josh was wearing headphones.  And Josh … he just kept writing faster and faster and faster.  And then, his pencil … it just snapped in half, and his head started to shake and then: boom!  It was so horrible.”

Both Coleman’s gore-covered notes and a timeline reconstruction of events indicate that the fact-checker’s head exploded just as Bachmann suggested that government regulation had prevented finding a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease and just after she lambasted the President’s lavish lifestyle — noting that he had “five chefs on Air Force One” and a personal dog walker available 24 hours a day.

“It was just an unrelenting bombardment, and he couldn’t take it,” Tampa Bay Times Editor Bill Adair told reporters with a tear in his eye.  “Perhaps I am partially to blame.  I know there could have been more safety measures in place, and I promise there WILL be from here on in, whenever Representative Bachmann speaks.”

Indeed, both PolitiFact and the Washington Post’s “Fact Checker” unit have reacted to the tragedy by requiring that only teams of at least two fact checkers with CPR and First Aid training report on any event at which Representative Bachmann is present.  If Mrs. Bachmann is actually scheduled to speak, teams of three are mandated.

“Some think the three reporter requirement is an excessive reaction,” stated Washington Post executive editor Marcus W. Brauchli when reached for comment, “but those people weren’t on the House Floor on Thursday when Representative Bachmann announced that ObamaCare is literally killing vulnerable children and the elderly.  I’m the one who has to take responsibility for these young reporters’ lives.  And I say: three person teams for the time being.”

While applauding safety measures like those instituted by Mr. Brauchil, the Coleman family attorney took matters a step farther, “As far as I’m concerned, if the events of the last week have proven anything, it is that everyone would be well advised never to listen to Michele Bachmann ever again.”

Citizen Schwartz’s three reporter team was unable to reach Representative Bachmann for comment at the time of this article’s publication.



Dorito Communion2VATICAN CITY – The Vatican today announced a bold first step in its new plan to make the institutional Church more appealing to modern, Western Catholics — particularly those living in the United States.  That step comes in both Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch flavors.

“We’re very excited to announce today that the Vatican has entered a partnership with the good people at Frito Lay in order to bring the world a more desirable and yet wholly Vatican-endorsed Eucharist” stated newly minted Pope Francis the First.  “Many of us in the Church have long understood that our institutions must adapt to service the changing cultural needs of modern, Western populations, and we can think of no better starting place for change nor better time to capitalize on the success of the Doritos brand.”

Indeed, the Dorito chip does seem to be on a bit of a roll as of late as Taco Bell just announced that its “Doritos Taco Loco” (a taco served inside a shell made of a giant Dorito chip) has become one of the biggest success stories in fast food history.

DLT_pdp_product_01“When we learned that Taco Bell sold 1 million Doritos Tacos Locos per day in 2012 — and that the company had to take on 15,000 extra employees just to deal with the popularity of the thing — well we just knew that we had our hook for reeling in those wayward Western Catholics,” stated a Cardinal close to the mater.  “This thing has ‘hit’ written all over.  I haven’t been so excited since the end of that fish on Friday nonsense with Vatican II.”

Asked whether or not his South American roots had anything to do with this announcement, Pope Francis responded, “You’re pulling this Popes robes right?   Okay, genius.  First off, I’m of Italian extraction, and secondly, if you think Doritos are from South America, you must be the dumbest person I’ve ever met.  Idiot racist … Next question! ”

The Citizen regrets having asked.




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(LOS ANGELES, CA) Dick Morris appears to be back on the job market after the Conservative Pundit’s short stint on E! Entertainment Television came to a rather abrupt end late Wednesday evening when he predicted that former Republican Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney would win “Best Picture” at the upcoming 85th Academy Awards Ceremony.

“It was totally bizarre,” stated Chelsea Handler — host of E’s Chelsea Lately.  “The guy got out there and seemed totally normal until the producer asked him for a prediction.  Then it was like someone flipped a switch; he started ranting about the skewed Hollywood numbers and how surprised everyone was going to be when the finally tallies came in.  I was like: what is going on!?”

“I’ll tell you who else was saying ‘what is going on?! chimed in a clearly amused Joel McHale — host of the E! hit show The Soup: “The graphics department!

“They were floored.  I mean floored.  But you gotta give it to them: they rolled with it like champs and got a picture of Romney up there in seconds.  We really have the best support staff in the business.”

“Anyway, I shouldn’t laugh,” McHale finished wiping at his eyes and trying to gather himself, “The poor guy’s out of another job and these are tough times.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure he’s entirely well.”

Indeed, the pundit’s mental health is a bit of an open question.  Mr. Morris — who was fired from Fox news just weeks ago after he famously and incorrectly predicted a “huge Romney landslide” in last year’s Presidential election — flagged the issue of a possible nervous condition himself in an interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan Thursday night.  “Frankly, I think I blacked out,” a visibly shaken Morris admitted, “someone asked me for a prediction and my senses were just flooded with the sights and sounds and feelings of all those years at Fox News.  It wasn’t an unfamiliar or scary sensation at all; to the contrary … it was comforting and familiar and then there was this mounting reflex … I guess I’ve just never tried to fight it before.  I struggled with it and lost.  I honestly don’t even remember the rest of the segment.”

Dr. Klaüs Von Benderspink — Morgan’s other guest for the night and an expert on cults, brainwashing and PTSD — was not surprised by Mr. Morris’ depiction of the event.  “I see this kind of thing all the time,” stated the thick-accented German as he peered in Mr. Morris’ eyes with the help of a Retina scope, “though this ‘Fox Pundit’ variation is undoubtedly new.”

“Quite simply, our friend Dick here has been taken out of the Fox News but the Fox News has not been taken out of our friend Dick.  He is fine physically … and with some time and superior counseling I believe he should be able to recover the full use of his facilities.”

Indeed, Benderspink quickly offered to take Morris on as a patient himself, provided the Republican Strategist would agree to come and work with him at the Benderspink Center for Creative and Cutting Edge Deprogramming in Stuttgart, Germany.

“This is an area I should study more and in short order,” the doctor explained as the show concluded, “This is a growing and very exciting field, indeed.  I have no doubt that an ever increasing number of those exposed to Fox News will need help coming to grips with reality in the coming years.”


Earth Celebrates as Wayne LaPierre Single-Handedly Diverts Deadly Meteor with Bushmaster Rifle, 100 Round Drum

YipeeKayWayne(WASHINGTON, DC) When it was discovered late Friday afternoon that Space Rock 2012 DA14 would not miss earth as scientists earlier predicted but would, in fact, impact its surface resulting in an extinction-level event — most of the planet’s population reacted with impotent panic. Wayne LaPierre, visiting D.C. on a lobbying junket, on the other hand, responded to the crisis with steely resolve.

“I had already run the numbers and suspected that we had been given bad information by the astronomical community,” LaPierre told a gaggle of reporters on the Capitol steps late in Friday evening. “My calculations suggested that DA14 would strike the Earth at approximately 4:15 and 12 seconds Eastern Standard Time, and that D.C. would be an excellent place from which to mount a defense.”

“I already had plans to be in Washington, so it was just a matter of making sure I had a weapon as powerful and efficient as the Bushmaster semi-automatic and a drum of at least 100 rounds of hollow-point ammunition with me should it turn out my a calculations were correct.”

As it turned out, LaPierre’s assessment was accurate within millimeters and fractions of a second.

“Sometimes I hate it when I’m right,” LaPierre said, “but there was nothing to do but take care of business.”

So, at 3:59 PM Eastern Standard Time, as other denizens of D.C. scattered powerless in terror, Wayne LaPierre cooly assembled his weapon (a heavily modified AR-15 with special stock and scope) on the steps of the Capitol Building, walked out onto the mall and, in under twenty seconds of firing, placed one hundred precisely positioned hollow-point projectiles into the surface of the approaching meteor.

The results were spectacular.

“I would have thought it fanciful had I not seen it myself” stated astrophysicist Albert Jackson, “but having seen the event and spoken to Mr. LaPierre, I now understand that the perfect placement of the 100 small projectiles, married to the rapidity of the delivery and the nature of the hollow point ammunition itself all combined to create a chain-resonant effect on the asteroids surface. It was this effect that — through a series of harmonic reactions — superheated the combustable surface of the space rock, forcing the outer shell of the meteor to explode, ricocheting the remainder of the rock back into space. To the layman and the naked eye, it might have simply appeared that LaPierre blew the meteorite up with his rifle. But that would be impossible. This was just good science and, critically, the availability of the tools necessary to get the job done. I can only thank God and the vigilance of the NRA that Mr. LaPierre had those tools available and was able to save the lives of every man, woman and child on the face of planet Earth.”

Indeed, the revelation that the world owes its continued existence to an assault rifle and large ammunition drum has had an immediate and profound impact on the political landscape. Late Friday night, a contrite and humbled President Barack Obama announced his intention to drop all attempts at further gun regulation, as well as his decision to award Wayne LaPierre the Presidential Medal of Freedom — the nation’s highest civilian honor.

“For months, I have argued that there was no valid reason for regular citizens to possess these high-powered weapons which are capable of firing so many high-caliber rounds so fast without the operator even needing to pause to reload,” the President stated.  “Clearly I, and liberals like me, have been dead wrong the whole time.  There is no longer a doubt in my mind that we must arm our population with these powerful tools in order to destroy and divert deadly planet-killing Meteors and other space-based threats.  It is my profound hope that Mr. LaPierre can find it in his heart to forgive me and work with my administration as we see to it that every man, woman and child in America is provided with a Bushmaster rifle and a 100-round drum so that we are at least minimally prepared should another asteroid ever take a path that threatens our very existence and way of life.”

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Pope Benedict XVI Resigns In Wake of Super Bowl Lip-Synching Scandal

pope lip synchPontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication

(VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.”  He added, further, that “my retirement has nothing whatsoever to do with the scandal that has so plagued the Church in recent days nor the part I played in it.”

It is assumed that the scandal to which the Pontiff refers is the well-reported media kerfuffle that broke out upon the revelation that the Pope was lip-synching to a pre-recorded track when he performed with singer Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter (commonly referred to simply as Beyonce) at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show.

“Clearly, this Pope was involved in a dark chapter for the church,” Papal historian Aldus De Luca Conti said when reached for an interview, “There can be no doubt that he is aware that many feel he and the Church really let down their ‘fans’ on that one — particularly their youngest, most innocent and emotionally vulnerable fans who trusted deeply in the Church and now feel a profound loss of innocence in the wake of the whole scandal.”

“Still,” De Luca Conti continued, “I take the Pope at his word.  If he says that the threat of further revelations about his involvement in this disturbing and seemingly ever-widening scandal had nothing to do with his resignation, I totally believe him.”

Indeed, the Pope was adamant on this point: “I deeply regret that so many young Catholics felt hurt because I did not use my own voice when called to do so, but rather mouthed along to fixed and pre-determined words designed only to make the Papacy and Church look better through a lavish and theatrically staged performance.  Perhaps that was a mistake in judgement … but again, live music is very tricky during major events like the Super Bowl.  In any event, and I must stress this one final time: that scandal, regrettable though it is, is 100% in the Church’s past and my abdication today has nothing whatsoever to do with that issue.”

Singer Beyonce could not be reached for comment at the time of this article’s publication.

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(WASHINGTON, D.C.) In recent weeks, moderate Republicans have been hard at work trying to craft a new strategy to decrease the Democratic Party’s overwhelming advantage within the American Latino community.  Much to the chagrin of figures like Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), however, the party continues to have real trouble connecting with that key demographic.  “Guys like Rubio try to propose policy initiatives,” said Political Pundit Chad Hilton, “only to be shouted down by Limbaugh and tea party types who call any comprehensive reform ‘amnesty’ and refer to the Dream Act as ‘the catch, release and vote’ program.  I just don’t see anything substantive changing in the Republican party on issues that matter to Latinos.”

Frank Luntz, however, says he has an answer for the GOP’s woes, and he claims it can’t miss.  He presented the strategy at a press conference held at a large gymnasium in the Foggy Bottom area of D.C. earlier today.

“The problem is connecting,” Luntz said, speaking on a stage before a drawn, red-velvet curtain, “None of the difficulty is really about policy or substance. I’ve run the numbers; this problem is about messaging. It’s about saying ‘we’re just like you; we share your values and concerns; we share your loves and sense of fun.’”

“It is in that spirit that I hereby roll out the Republican Party’s biggest, most comprehensive Latino strategy to date: the gala announcement that Paul Ryan is now into Zumba — The Latin Dance-Fitness Sensation!”

With that Luntz stepped away from the curtains and gave the stage to Ryan and a team of colorfully dressed Latino dancers who put on a spirited show of dance-aerobics backed by a laser light display and a wild Brazilian beat.

While it is unclear how profound an impact Ryan’s (admittedly impressive) new routine will have on the GOP’s numbers with Latinos, it certainly represents a major change for Ryan himself.  Up until recently, the famously fit GOP Congressman (and former Vice Presidential candidate)  was a vocal proponent of the strenuous, unrelenting P90X workout.  But he now says that extreme, uncompromising regimen is in his past.  “We all have to adapt to connect,”  a sweating, panting Ryan told reporters after his performance, “there are certain demographic realities out there.  And if that means, I need to start working out to a hot Latin beat … well, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

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US Seeks International Sanctions Against Producers of “Movie 43″

UN Movie 43 v2


(NEW YORK, NEW YORK) In perhaps her last official act as Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton appeared before the U.N. Security Council today and passionately pressed the case for embargoes, sanctions, and the possible use of force against Relativity Media LLC in response to its release of the critically and popularly reviled film “Movie 43.”  The Secretary also named producers Charles B. Wessler and the infamous Farrelly Brothers as parties to the “unspeakable act.”

Armed with reports from Rotten Tomatoes [dot com], statistics from the Center for Disease control, a flotilla of anecdotal evidence, and clips from the film itself — Secretary Clinton told the world that the creation and dissemination of Movie 43 was an obvious crime against humanity and a clear violation of international law.  Further, she argued, inaction by the international community could invite the unthinkable: more of the same.

“Simply put, the world cannot suffer to live under the threat of a possible ‘Movie 44’,” Clinton stated — rhythmically slamming her fist on her desk for emphasis as she spoke, “No child should be raised under the cloud of fear, uncertainty and sadness that such a threat creates.”

“Anyone who saw footage of moviegoers emerging from theaters during this last week would understand that.  Anyone who read the reviews would feel it in their bones.  And anyone who actually saw the film will never be the same.  Certainly, as many others have indicated before me, we must provide for these damaged souls, but we must do more!  We must say to them ‘Never again!  We will never let this happen again!’  And if we don’t act, it will!”

Clinton continued her testimony by sharing a grim, incontrovertible fact: in spite of the reviews and the horrible word of mouth, Movie 43 is turning a profit.  The incredibly cheap, star-studded production cost the studio only $6 million to make and has already taken in $8 million dollars world-wide.

“It’s critic proof in that sense” said Clinton — a tear running down her face, “but that doesn’t mean that Relativity, the Farrelly Brothers and Charles Wessler don’t have to answer to the world for their crimes.  It doesn’t mean they don’t have to answer to us. And it doesn’t mean that they can’t be stopped before they can make another film.  They can be.  They must be.  And we must be the ones to stop them.  This testimony is my last act as Secretary of State and I believe it is my most important.”

Clinton punctuated her emotional testimony by asking all non-critical personnel to leave the chamber, handing out air sickness bags to those who remained, and showing selected minutes from the film on monitors throughout the hall.  “It was just shocking,” stated Rwandan Foreign Affairs Minister Ms. Louise Mushikiwabo, “There was human cruelty, emotional abuse, genital mutilation, pedophilia, incest, people forced to endure being defecated upon, and — inexplicably — a full fifteen minute sketch in which the only joke was Hugh Jackman having a realistic scrotum dangling from his face.  You can’t un-see these things.  I am forever changed.”



** EDITORS NOTE:  Although the Farrelly brothers could not be reached for comment at the time of publication, they have responded to the criticism of the film via twitter with language that would seem to address the expected UN resolution:   “To the critics: Movie 43 is not the end of the world. It’s just a $6-million movie … Now back off.”  **

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 (MIAMI, FL) A Federal Court sitting in the Southern District of Florida today ordered Matt Drudge, The Drudge Report and the Breitbart News Group to pay the estate of Adolf Hitler $57 million in back royalties and unpaid licensing fees for the “pervasive and near constant” use of the infamous dictator’s likeness and name in the years since the election President Barack Obama.

Matt Drudge Avoiding Reporters in the Courthouse Halls

Matt Drudge Avoiding Reporters in the Courthouse Halls

Reached for comment about the case, famed First Amendment attorney Lawrence Lessig was clearly impressed with the decision.  “I think it’s a first-rate, sharply focused piece of legal reasoning.  I’m most impressed with the care Judge Turkington has shown in limiting his ruling to the rather unique, outlandish and almost comical obsession with Hitler displayed by Breitbart and Drudge since the election of Barack Hussein Obama.  The publishing community can rest easy: I just don’t see this ruling applying in very many situations.”

Indeed, the plain language of the decision seems to support Lessig’s narrow interpretation.

“This case must be distinguished from the run of the mill use of publicly available images and tropes,” wrote District Judge Edward Turkington, “Here, the near constant utilization of Hitler imagery, poses and verbiage simply allowed room for no other editorial content whatsoever for days at a time.  It is the failure of the defendants to provide any content at all other than the reference to the plaintiff’s personality (a personality to which they do not own the rights) which makes this case unique.”

“Thus, it is the determination of this court that Adolf Hitler — as the author of his own life story — must be considered the ‘Constructive Author’ of this material and his estate must be made whole by the payment of reasonable royalties.”

While some observers have noted that Judge Turkington’s “Constructive Author” theory is novel (and, thus, untested), most legal commentators agree that the reasoning is sound, and further suggest the case will certainly survive appellate review on independent grounds even if a higher court were to disapprove of the concept.

A Screen Capture of This Story as Initially Reported By Our Short Lived Sister Site "The Schwartz Report"

A Screen Capture of This Story as Initially Reported By Our Short Lived Sister Site “The Schwartz Report”

“Judge Turkington is brilliant and not new to the game,” stated First Amendment Scholar Tom Lukianoff of Columbia University, “his theory is novel and important, but his decision is also careful and unassailable.  In short, he makes clear that more traditional intellectual property theories involving ‘publicity,’ ‘confusion in the market-place’ and ‘appropriation’  apply here as well.”

“Simply put, the use of Hitler on these sites since Obama took office is so patent, pervasive and conspicuous that one could easily come to the conclusion that the Fascist dictator had officially endorsed the websites and had a role in shaping their message.  You just can’t argue with that.”

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Citizen Special: Ask An N.R.A. Landlord

“Broken locks don’t cause crimes, People cause crimes”


Dear Unit 3:

Got your messages about the busted lock on the front door.  All of them.  You don’t need to nag.  I was going to get around to it.  Christ.

But you know what… ?  I’ve been doin’ some thinking and, frankly, I’m not sure fixin’ the lock on your door is the answer to anything.  I mean, if you really think about it, does a broken lock cause a crime?  No.  No way.  That’s ridiculous.

Broken locks don’t cause crimes, people cause crimes.

So, maybe we should think about larger social problems like cultural stuff and movies and poverty and crap like that.  And especially those violent video games all those kids are playin’ these days.

You can’t stop crime just by fixing a lock.  I mean think about it.  So, really: why bother.

Clayton W. Grimes
NRA Landlord

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GunsKillLab1(CHICAGO, IL)  Earlier today, National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre responded to a University of Chicago clinical trial suggesting that guns do, in fact, kill people with a terse and angry rebuke.  “It’s nonsense — utter and complete nonsense,” a red faced LaPierre told a crowd of reporter’s gathered outside the NRA headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia.

“I have no idea what these scientists in these laboratories are talking about, but I know one thing for sure:  guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Reached for comment in his office at the University of Chicago’s William Eckhardt Research Center, the study’s chief author —  Professor Benjamin Hutchinson — was cordial but solemn in responding to LaPierre’s criticism.   “I understand where the gentleman is coming from,” the Professor responded, “and frankly, he is half right.  Our findings do support the contention that people kill people.  However … and this is where we split ways … it also produced compelling evidence suggesting that guns also kill people.  Indeed — if our data is right, and I think it is, they seem to do so quite effectively.”

Asked to elaborate on his study’s origins, methodology and results, Hutchinson stated that in early 2012 he set out to test the NRA contention that guns do not kill people in exactly the same manner he would test any other substance for the presence or absence of “human toxicity.”  He embarked upon a double-blind study — introducing the purportedly dangerous element to one of two cohorts of test subjects, observed the results and recorded the findings.

“Basically, we hired a large group of students from the University of Chicago undergraduate community and offered them cash to be part of the study,” Hutchison explained, clearly trying to stick to layman’s terms in his description of the study in deference to reporters.  “We then called the volunteers into the lab individually and sent each into one of two rooms based upon a random selection process.  Those students selected to be actual ‘test subjects’ were sent to a room equipped with a computer-controlled, turret-mounted rifle, and those selected to be in the ‘control group’ were sent into a room that was identical in every way, but for the absence of the automated firearm.  As the study was ‘blind’ we informed neither the test subjects nor members of the control group as to why a gun was (or was not) present in their room.”

After aiming and firing the weapons in the relevant rooms several times, Hutchinson’s team quickly began amassing some very compelling evidence that guns do, in fact, kill people.

“We were, frankly, shocked at how black-and-white the data was,” Hutchison stated. “Members of the otherwise healthy cohorts who were not shot lived, and those shot in the head, heart, or other vital organs almost invariably died.  We screened for every other kind risk-factor imaginable and were very careful in our use of the control group.  In short, they only difference between the two cohorts of students was whether or not they had been shot by a gun at point blank range.  Those who had, tended to die at an alarming rate; those who didn’t almost invariably survived their time in our laboratory.”

“No matter how we dissected or finessed the data, we kept coming to the same conclusion: guns really seemed to be killing people.”

“Of course, we soon expanded our study beyond the campus community,” Hutchinson continued, “and found that guns seemed to kill regardless of race, gender, class, age, educational background, or religion.  Once we had the data necessary to make that assertion with confidence, we decided it was time to publish.”

Expanded trials have resulted in a high, but necessary, body count.

Expanded trials have resulted in a high, but necessary, body count.

But Hutchinson was quick to add that the publication of this initial study did not signal the end of his work in the field.  Responding to a question from New York Time’s reporter Amanda Meehan, the Professor noted that he is currently amassing data for another study that hoped would be ready for publication in the coming weeks. “Now that we know that both people and guns kill people, I am fascinated to explore the next logical question: whether or not guns help people kill people.  So, we have embarked on an exciting relatively novel study that I engineered with the help of my research assistants and staff. ”

“Basically, we are putting people who want to kill each other into identical controlled environments with our without a stockpile of loaded firearms.  We are then observing and recording the resulting homicide rates in rooms with and without the stockpiles at two, four and six hour increments.”

“I fully expected this kind of study to allow for far more subtle statistical analysis than our previous experiment; however, the early results are quite interesting.  While some percentage of both the ‘control’ and ‘test’ groups have chosen to engage in physical altercations, those placed in rooms stocked with loaded firearms seem to be far more likely to succeed in killing one of the two participants in relatively short order. This has proven to be the case whether the test subjects were two felons with a long-standing feud, the mothers of girls competing to make a cheerleading squad at a Texas high school, or even just recent divorcees from Vermont.”

Asked if this more recent study might impact current political discussions regarding expanded gun regulations, the Professor shrugged and offered, “That’s outside my area, and, frankly, until I have concluded the experiment and digested the data, I can offer no definitive scientific conclusion as to whether or not it is a good idea to keep guns away from homicidal individuals in certain situations.  I guess it’s up to the politicians in Washington to decide if they need to wait for my study before proceeding on that score.”

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