Tag Archives: Satire

Citizen Special: Ask An N.R.A. Landlord

Posted on February 27, 2018 by bj_schwartz

“Fix Your Door Lock!?  Broken Locks Don’t Cause Crimes, People Do” Dear Unit 3: Got your messages about the busted lock on the front door.  All of them.  You don’t need to nag.  I was going to get around to … Continue reading →

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**BREAKING NEWS ** DONALD TRUMP’S HAIR-PIECE HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM “RACIST ENTREPRENEUR”

Posted on July 6, 2015 by The Citizen

“You Can’t Combover Racism!  The ugliness is just too big!” Declares Longtime Trump Companion (NY, NY) Earlier today, an unexpected voice joined the cavalcade of businesses and private citizens seeking to unambiguously distance themselves from Donald Trump.  Corporations with ties to Trump ventures … Continue reading →

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NATION STUNNED AS RUDY GIULIANI TRANSFORMS INTO LITERAL CARTOON OF HIMSELF ON LIVE TELEVISION

Posted on February 21, 2015 by The Citizen

FORMER MAYOR AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE: “THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOME REAL MAGIC IN THAT LAST CLAIM ABOUT OBAMA NOT LOVING AMERICA” (New York) Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani on Saturday transformed into a literal cartoon caricature of himself … Continue reading →

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PROPHET MUHAMMAD NAMED NEW CITIZEN EDITOR IN CHIEF

Posted on January 7, 2015 by The Citizen

Upcoming Title Change to “The Prophet” In the Works The Prophet Muhammad has agreed to take over the editor-in-chief position at Citizen Schwartz for a stint that will last as long as the prophet would like. In honor of his … Continue reading →

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SENATOR WHO RECENTLY DISCOVERED HE HAS AN UNINSURED, CHRONICALLY ILL, IMPOVERISHED, GAY, IMMIGRANT, AFRICAN AMERICAN SON WHO WAS TRAGICALLY GUNNED DOWN AT A SCHOOL SHOOTING MAKES SUDDEN U-TURN ON SEVERAL KEY ISSUES

Posted on April 5, 2013 by The Citizen

Senator Richard Starboard (R – Montana) announced a sudden u-turn on issues relating to health care, immigration, the social safety net, gay rights and gun control today after discovering the existence and tragic death of his son Tyrell Javier Fernando … Continue reading →

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Pope Benedict XVI Resigns In Wake of Super Bowl Lip-Synching Scandal

Posted on February 11, 2013 by The Citizen

Pontiff Claims Ever-Widening Scandal Played No Role in Abdication (VATICAN CITY) Pope Benedict XVI announced in a press release Monday that he would resign on February 28th due to circumstances arising from his “advanced age.”  He added, further, that “my … Continue reading →

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After Full Year of Inactivity, D.C. Coroner Designates Congress Legally Dead

Posted on December 30, 2012 by The Citizen

In a somber press release issued earlier today, the District of Columbia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner confirmed the nation’s worst fears and announced that the once robust United States Congress is, indeed, clinically dead.  “We did not embark … Continue reading →

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Peter Jackson to Direct Epic 10-Part Film Series Based on Children’s Classic “Goodnight Moon”

Posted on December 18, 2012 by The Citizen

(LOS ANGELES) Peter Jackson may still be in post-production on the final installment of his three-part, nine-hour film version of the 250 page children’s classic “The Hobbit,” but it seems the prolific director has no interest in taking a break … Continue reading →

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Old Man McCain’s White House Haunting Foiled by Dog, “Meddling Kids”

Posted on December 6, 2012 by The Citizen

(WASHINGTON, DC) –  An unusually raucous and animated White House press conference today ended with the revelation that spooky events surrounding the now infamous “Curse of the Benghazi Ghost” were not legitimate paranormal happenings, as previously thought, but rather a … Continue reading →

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Mitt Romney Makes Final Pitch to Swing Voters: “I Too Am Undecided”

Posted on October 28, 2012 by The Citizen

With under two weeks to go in the 2012 presidential race, Republican Mitt Romney is making a surprising closing argument to America’s undecided voters.  While most commentators expected Romney to reject the notion that he has shifted positions precipitously throughout … Continue reading →

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UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT STRIKES DOWN AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, REMOVES CLARENCE THOMAS FROM UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT    

Posted on October 14, 2012 by The Citizen

(WASHINGTON, DC) – A narrowly divided Supreme Court today broke with four decades of prior case law and held that corporations and institutions may not take racial diversity into account in any way whatsoever when weighing admission or hiring decisions. … Continue reading →

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MITTMENTO

Posted on October 9, 2012 by The Citizen

You see, he has this condition …                                       Click Image to Enlarge                     … Continue reading →

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After Bruising First Debate, Obama Leaves Campaign Trail, Enters Intense 80’s Training Montage

Posted on October 5, 2012 by The Citizen

(Siberia, Russia) After a bruising defeat in the first major brawl of the political season, Barack Obama — the unlikely President who came out of nowhere to dethrone Hillary Clinton four years ago — is returning to first principles. Leaving … Continue reading →

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